Post-Apocalyptic Blues

Before I post the last two 12 Dates of Christmas stories, I thought I’d provide you with a little post holiday pick-me-up.

You know what they say about depression rates in the days following a failed Mayan apocalypse and Boxing Day?  Oh – you don’t?  Well, I’m sure the answer can be found in online snafoos…so let’s not waste any more time getting to the healing balm of cyber failure.

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hair

I wonder how many tries he had to take before getting the perfect hair swirl…

Awww…yeah… this is everything I need to know about this guy.

I’m not quite sure what chord that is he’s playing, but his crimping skills rival Jem’s (you know…of Jem & the Holograms?).

No, but seriously – I messaged him to ask WHAT conditioner he uses, because, those locks are full of body AND shine.

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This definitely does NOT scream "scam"...

This definitely does NOT scream “scam”…

Don’t leave me on the edge of my SEAT like that!  “As beautiful as my WHAT?”

I can’t stand the suspense.

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stroke

Is this guy having some kind of stroke?

I don’t get the tongue out bit.

Nor do I get that little strip ‘o beard he left on his chinny chin chin.  Maybe he had another ‘episode’ when shaving…

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IMG_3853

I prolly should just leave this one alone… but I can’t, in good blogger conscience, see an “I reccond” (which I spell, “reckon”) and leave it alone.

I’m not sure wat this guy is thanking… but I’m pretty sure we’re not a suitable grammar/spelling match.

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bud lite etceteraI debated whether this photo was appropriate for my blog given that it’s SO sexy… but decided to risk it.  After all – we’re all grown-ups here…if we can’t handle a little sex appeal (or in this case… a LOT), then we oughtta be ashamed.

I decided to showcase this picture because… well, it just has everything I crave in a suitor.

A photo shot right up the nose, tongue halfway out like he’s seizing, holding up a cheap beer in front of a creepy clown tattoo, all while chillin’ on the deck of what looks like prison housing.

* Fans herself like she has the vapors.

Cowboy, take me away.

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Just gonna let my subtle arrows do the talking on this one.

Just gonna let my subtle arrows do the talking on this one.

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both arms

I love this guys commitment to being thorough.

What… you want to see BOTH biceps?  Ok, gurrrl…

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i hunt rodeo old car

Well… two can play THIS game…

“I snort hula hoop trendy melon.”

See what I did there?  It’s just mad libs, folks.  Here’s the formula:  Try it yourself!

I [verb] [random noun] [adjective] [another noun].

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Seems like he coulda chosen a more imaginative name…

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mohawkIf mohawks were ever cool (and that is an awfully big “if”)… it was when you were about 3 cover bands younger.

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Pick up line 2

No, creepy guy… I don’t keep extra hearts on me.  It’s just too risky – robbers and all.

The live organ harvesting robbers…

What?

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framed ex.jpeg

Finally!

A man who understands that what a woman REALLY wants is to see a photo of you a decade-plus ago, with your ex-cutie-girlfriend, in a FRAME

A picture of a picture.  SO profound.

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It’s written all OVER me?

Dang it!!

Oh, and yes… as it turns out… strangely, I actually AM a parking ticket.
Right?  I mean… what. are. the. odds?
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with bat

You know… if this guy was snapped sporting a bat in a candid photo of him at his church softball league championship game…that’d be one thing.

But he purposely picked this up to hold and asked someone to take his picture for him.

With a bat.

Unfortunately for him, this doesn’t convey sportiness.  More like assault with a deadly weapon-i-ness.

But that’s just me…

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Well – you may have been disappointed by the Walgreens silky shirt your cousin got you for the holidays, but I can rest easy, knowing that these photos never disappoint.  I guess, the encouragement and warm feelings I’ve brought you today … are just … well – they’re a downright Christmas miracle.

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Fa la la la Fail

If you’re still looking for the perfect gift for that special person in your life, look no further.  I’ve just released an album of holiday songs focusing on the joys and delights of online dating.  Such favorites include:

“Last Christmas, I gave you my profile, but the very next day, you sent me “alot.”
This year, to save me from tears, I’m giving you English lessons…(lessons…)”

“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Regret”

“Rockin’ Around  the Single Life”

“Dysfunction!  Dysfunction!  Dysfunction all the way!”

“Deck the Halls with Boughs of Sorrow”

“I’ll be Home for Ab-Photos…you can count on mirror-shots… we’ll have phones and dirty bathroom counters… and urinals i-in the background…”

“My Dreams Roasting on an Open Fire”

…and countless more jolly tunes that are sure to bring hope and cheer to the hearts of you and yours.

And if THAT doesn’t warm the cockles of your wintery heart, here are some festive photos and messages that may do the trick:

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ab gallery

This guy’s ab-solutely got the Christmas spirit… showing us photos of himself in a wide array of colors and styles… all headless.

He’s practically one of Santa’s elves.

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creepyThe unfortunate quality of this photo takes it from a normal bathroom mirror phone pic (sadly, those are normal, yes), and turns it into a creepy-guy-outside-your-window shot.

Somehow, all I can hear in my head is the sound of that scary, distorted voice-changer phone call.  You know – the one that is most definitely coming from inside the building?

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baby mamma

Well, I suppose since I have kids, that I AM a “baby mama,”… but isn’t that term generally reserved for embittered men complaining about their exes?  I don’t know that I want to start OUT on that note.

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2009If your ONLY photo is a pixelated shot of you at Disney in 2009… it’s time to get into the bathroom and snap another.

2009?  Really?

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shoe adviceI’m so perplexed by this… is this guy using his online profile as a way of soliciting fashion advice?  I mean, I suppose that’s ONE way of doing it.

But, I sure would rather see an ACTUAL photo of the guy, not a random shoe that your ‘homie talked you into buys.’

But that’s just me…

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moustache advice

First of all – thanks for the unsolicited advice.

Secondly – I have that photo on my profile for a REASON.  It’s to show my goofy/silly side.  So, if you don’t like it – it’s done its job of weeding out the guys who’ve had their sense of humor removed.

Lastly – I have some advice for you…
*circle snaps and moonwalks out of the room.

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shoulderI assume I’m supposed to be looking at the dimly lit guy in the background, but all I notice is this rogue shoulder.

With all the technology at our disposal these days, why, oh, why would you NOT crop that junk OUT?

Now, MAYBE if he’d instagrammed it…….. that makes all the difference.

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pick-up line 1As pick-up lines go, this definitely isn’t the worst, but… it REALLY sounds like he’s a dog.  And I don’t mean that he’s a “dawg.”

No – like – with a collar and a leash and I’m the one holding the poo bag.

Let’s check out some of his one-liner competition:

pick-up line 2I don’t think any amount of heroic measures can breathe life back into this pick-up line…

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Well, that brings us to the end of today’s festivities.

Stay tuned for the continued “12 Dates of Christmas” on Monday.
(teaser…there’s free frozen yogurt involved…)

‘Tis the Season to be Full of Folly

Before I start dishing on my 12 Dates of Christmas, I thought we ought to review what it is I’m forced to sift through as I look for worthy candidates.

To be clear…none of these made it through my rigorous screening process.  I would hope that goes without saying, but sadly…no.

Oh deer...I don't think he understands the point of this site.  Or, should I say - the 8-point?

Oh deer…I don’t think he understands the point of this site.
Or, should I say – the 8-point?

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Pic submitted by my friend, Jenny

Pic submitted by my friend, Jenny

Men…a note.

In the same way you don’t
want to see photos of women
hiding behind trees or their
ex-boyfriends, we don’t want
to see you semi-strangling a
tight-bodied, bikini-ed woman
who looks young enough to be
your daughter, but scantily-clad
enough to make that creepy.

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gold belt

Yes…

…your tum tum is lovely.

And that gold belt is… well… it’s definitely gold.

But this photo tells me ZIP (no, not zipper…) about you.

You know – that’s not fair.  It does.  I stand corrected.
It tells me you’re the kind of guy who buys a wierdly-jointed golden metal belt.

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ab pic of ALL ab pics Since we’re already on the topic of tummies… let’s discuss a bit.

Look – I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to have to endure my share of ab pics if I’m going to be in the online dating world.  Ab shots are the Kardashians of the web-based love scene…irrelevant and annoying, but an inescapable reality.

But, where does the madness stop?  It’s one thing to show off the result of your hard work at the gym, I suppose.

But it’s another thing altogether to hold your shirt in your teeth, pull your pants down, and flex SO hard that I’m pretty sure I can see the inner workings of your spleen.

ab pic 2Maybe it’s because I’m OUT of shape, that seeing all this makes me wildly UNcomfortable.

Makes my abs hurt just looking at them.  Hey – wait….does that count as exercise??

I don't NEED a costume, I'll just pull up my shirt and be "ABDOMINAL MAN!"

I don’t NEED a costume,
I’ll just pull up my shirt and be “ABDOMINAL MAN!”

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punch a kid

Other things that don’t make us swoon.

Punching for the camera, while making you’re Mr. T “I’m gonna get you sucka” face.

But for added measure, DEFINITELY line up the shot in such as way that it looks like you’re clocking your 4-yr-old daughter in the face.

Family violence will get you everywhere.
(Well………. where “everywhere” means prison, but who’s counting.)

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For those of us women who aren’t sticks…and have a little added cushioning (which I think makes us especially adorable, but that’s just one woman’s opinion), we attract a bit of a different ‘crowd’ of men because of those curves.

I get messages from men all the time, where it’s obvious they haven’t read a word of my profile, but saw my pics and they like a less-than-skinny girl.  My friend recently joined OKCupid and listed herself as “Curvy.”  This is a response she got that same night.  Keep it classy, Houston.

Photo submitted by my friend, Katie

Photo submitted by my friend, Katie

I guess I can applaud his use of ski entendtre, but why is he calling her Jesus?  Sigh…

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Either your dog has some alarming radioactivity or a disturbing reaction to poor-taste photography.

Either your dog has some alarming radioactivity or a disturbing reaction to poor-taste photography.

I really don’t care how wicked awesome your piercings…
I don’t want to see you sticking out your tongue.

Fact.

 

Someone hydrate this man.

Someone hydrate this man.

 

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Identity crisis much?

Identity crisis much?

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Sir, are you aware you're wearing TWO hats?  Just checking.

Sir, are you aware you’re wearing TWO hats? Just checking.

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bobcat fabulousAnd for our last festive selection, let’s review the entirety of this shot.

This is probably a cool guy…but the photo has a certain Kentucky-chic thing goin’ on that I can’t ignore.

Posing next to a stuffed bobcat (though…who’s to say it’s dead?  Maybe it’s his pet and photo buddy.  After all, “tiger” DID pick out a happenin’ pair of shades to complete the look…), he’s got his Encyclopedia of N. American bears shirt as a sporty accent to the shrine to hunting behind him.

In the foreground, the quintessential jug ‘o moonshine.  (I mean… it can’t be officially classified as “Kentucky Chic” without that)

And if black dress socks with ripped jeans wasn’t the piece that completes the look, it’d definitely be the sofa-turned-bed in the background, which screams, “I have no home of my own.”  (And as we know…that’s a major selling point men can use to lure women in).

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Well that completes today’s peek into the cyber world of disappointment.

Stay tuned for more to come.

Think of this as my Christmas present to you.
You’re welcome.

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As of January 1st, I will be moving over to my very own website.  So exciting!  Keep watch for more details, but the new site will have the same blog-fabulous-posts along with a link to “Ask Sarah” (for dating advice or to submit blog topics), some dating services (photographers, profile bio help, etc.) and eventually a link to the e-book. 

This One’s for the Boys

I know I give the guys out there a lot of grief for ridiculous profile shots, so – I’ve decided to turn the tables and showcase some of the equally disturbing women’s pics.  These have been sent to me by guy friends and readers of the blog,
so – if you don’t like what you see, I suppose you can take it up with them.  🙂

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Because nothing says “I like to snuggle” quite like
crazy eyes and dried blood.

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I have to applaud her enterprising spirit.
I mean… just think of the SAVINGS.

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I’ve heard of “PROFILE” pictures, but…

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This is just one example of MANY like this out there.

It’s hard to be upset with the guys online just hunting for a hookup,
when the women are just as bad…

* Sighs dramatically *

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I don’t think you understand the word “happily…”

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And, it wouldn’t be a complete post on the horrors of female profiles without some discussion about cleavage.  We’ve got two classic faux pas here:

In the first shot… apparently the only way to get the perfect display of the girls is to hold the phone as high up into the air as possible.  VERY natural.

In the next one…we’ve gone with the more understated approach:  headless.

Both are wonderful ways to show nuance, mystery and femininity.
Way to represent, ladies.

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In her “About Me” section, all it said was: “I’m a Mermaid.”
Discuss.

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She must be a Doctor.

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Not only is she very angry at her shoes, but she also enjoys sniffing what I can only assume is a dried lizard.
This girl’s a keeper.

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I have a pretty good guess as to why you’re “misunderstood”…
Repeat after me: Font choice.

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And…we wouldn’t have a complete post about women’s photos if we didn’t include some cat shots.

It’s KINDA hard to respond indignantly to the jokes about being a single ‘cat lady’ when so many women post photos of themselves posing with their cats, or worse… JUST photos of the cats.  The next shot was the ONLY profile picture this woman posted.


I’m callin’ ‘fakeout’ on this one… I don’t even think this IS your cat.
Are we scanning in calendar pages now? Is this what it’s come to?

So, there you have it.

A glimpse from life on the other side of the gender fence.

Sadly, the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” philosophy seems to be in full effect.

I can practically hear the resigned cries of, “I SEE your troubling bachelor pad and excessive ab shots and I raise you sex without commitment.”  We’re keepin’ it classy, sisters.   Keeping it classy.

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Special thanks to my friend, Scott for submitting many of these.  My condolences…

Presidential Neglect…

Well, all the votes are in, people have had a full 24-hrs to complain that their candidate didn’t win, or celebrate that he did.  That should do.
And now it’s time to get back to what’s REALLY important.  My dating life.

Regardless of who you voted for on Tuesday, I think we can all agree that there ARE, in fact, way too many weirdos online, mucking up my chances of finding love.  The sheer quantity of less-than-desirables that clog up my dating site inboxes is practically epidemic.

And WHAT is our President DOING about it, I ask you?
I ASK YOU!?  A bunch a nothing.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Prez.  I thought we was tiiiight.  All that talk of hope and change and yet…here we are one term later and  “TexasFreak69” still haunts my cyber world…

Well, until our government recognizes that this is a federal tragedy, I’ll just keep bringing this important topic to the forefront of the American people’s minds.
Sarah for change!  Hope you can believe in!  (or at the very least, continued complaining you can COUNT on).
Consider today’s post my humble contribution to the free market system.

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Submitted by my friend, Jenny

There is SO much to choose from with this picture.
And I don’t know which part is the worse –
the long 80’s-crimped girl hair,
the falcon-retrieving-quality gloves,
or the Matrix costume gone wrong?

Frankly, it’s the combination of all these things REALLY sells the look.

On second thought, maybe the pleather pants and duster are more of a crime scene cleanup ensemble?

Either way – he is ready to party.

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I think you all know me well enough by now to know that I’m far more bothered by the incorrect “your” and no proper punctuation, than the nonsensically random Tweety Bird reference.  Sadly…this was all this guy thought he needed, comin’ out of the gate, to get the romantic ball a-rollin’…

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Is this the only item of clothing this guy OWNS?  And what’s with standing in the water?  Oh…maybe he has disfigured ankles… I hear that’s a problem in men after years of speedo constriction…

Look – we get it.
You have muscles.
And you have an impressive itty-bitty-teeny-weeny-not-so-flattering-bikini collection.
But, do you really need to put this in EVERY photo?

Diversify, water man.  Diversify.

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I really need to post another “tips and trends” article and include the “No SLEEPING photos” rule.

Why do I want to have a photo of you sleeping?  Is this a posture I need to get used to if we’re going to be together?  Me awake and you still dozing?

Not to mention – who keeps TAKING these photos?  Your other girlfriend…?  (Your mom?)

Next – Tears?  Really?  You’re THAT committed to a lifetime of sadness and pain that you’d permanently ink it on your FACE?  Wow…

Unless you’re going to lull me to sleep each night with “Money on My Mind,” you don’t need this face art.  You “Ain’t Got Nuthin'” on the original.
(for those of you who AREN’T a sassy black woman trapped inside a white woman’s body, like I am,…let me help you out here.  I’m referring to Lil Wayne – a rapper with teardrops tattooed on his face.  I’m THAT cool.) 

Not even gonna TOUCH on the juxtaposition of the prison tats and the green satin sheets…

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You honest?
You married?
You no hear how douchey you sound.

This guy’s a perfect mix of unsophisticatedly unfaithful AND horribly unskilled with the English language.

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After looking at this a few times, I finally figured out that this torture device-looking instrument is some sort of tattoo machinery.

But, admittedly, at first glance, all I could see was some eery stillshot from Dexter or Criminal Minds where the Psycho lures unsuspecting sassy single mothers down to his criminally pimped out basement.

I suppose a tattoo artist is a step up from serial killer…
but still – why would you put a photo on your profile where I can’t even see your face?  Heck – I can’t even tell what ethnicity this guy is!

No face, no race, …nuh uh.

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As it turns out, I think you ARE, in fact, a bug a boo.

In all fairness, I had to look this one up.  It’s not exactly a term I go throwin’ around.
A bug-a-boo is  someone that is considered bothersome, whether from prying behavior or attachment that can be considered excessive.  (Thank you Beyonce… you really keep me on my mentally stimulated toes).

Um… considering I NEVER looked at this guy’s profile (though, ya wouldn’t know it, since he says repeatedly in this message, “thanks for the look”), I’d contend that he’s the exact definition of a bug-a-boo.  Just sayin’.

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Oh, hun…. (sighs a sigh DRIPPING with condescension…)
Didn’t we JUST talk about this?
Didn’t I JUST post a list of don’ts for men online?

We don’t need you to lift up your shirt at every turn so we can see those little lines that say, “I’ve got time to hit the gym for hours…probably because I don’t have a job.

But if you MUST force the belly shot, at the very least, let’s clean up a few tertiary issues:

a.  dirty mirror?  Dude…take a cue from duckfaced women everywhere… a clean mirror makes for a MUCH more candid phone-self-photo.

b.  what is on your fingers?  Are those warts?  Paint?  Leftover bits of food from the dinner your momma just made you?

c.  A pink or purple phone is simply unacceptable.  At least ACT like a man.  Just wearing boxers and having terrible taste in photo setup, doesn’t prove you have a Y chromosome.  Ditch the girly phone case, or at the VERY least – crop that junk OUT of the shot.

d.  A plate in the bathroom?  Look, we all do it.  Who doesn’t enjoy a lovely piece of keylime pie whilst purifying the pores?  But, move it for the shot, if only to give the ILLUSION of class.

e.  If you’re going to insist on the played-out ab shot… you should at least have them.
Abs, that is.
I know, I know… I sound like a curvy hypocrite.  But here’s the thing – I don’t post photos of my post-baby, food-loving tum-tum for the entire cyber world to see.  I know what my assets are… I splash my winning grin all over my profile.  (Now I just need to find a 100% smile guy…)
But this guy’s belly doesn’t look particularly ‘cut,’ so I don’t even understand the rationale behind the photo, except that maybe he just wants us to marvel at his fine taste in boxers?
Well, in that case – I applaud you sir.  You can never go wrong with a classic plaid.

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So – is this Melvin, Jorge or Eric?  What is this “we” business?

Either 3 guys co-opted one profile on this site – you know, …to save money… oh wait…this is a free site…
Or, this guy is in a quickly spiraling episode of his dissociative personality disorder.
Good NIGHT, this one’s full of “material!”
And before you go getting all self-righteous about how I shouldn’t mock someone just because their English isn’t great, let me remind you that this guy had every opportunity to run this puppy through a grammar checker or have a friend proof it, OR…and this is novel, …put his profile on a site designed for other singles who don’t call English their first language.
But, if you insist on hosting your love-ad on a site that’s run in English and targets English-speaking Americans AND you send a message to one of those gringas, you darn well better know how to talk to her.

“When I look at your profile and photos that you’re a woman…” – possible translation:
When I look at your profile and confirm that, in fact, you ARE female…

Great.  A guy whose only requirement for connection is that I be a woman – finally, some standards I can live with.

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Meet Bubba and PoopsieWoopsie.

Unsmiling, tattooed, wife-beater-wearing guy …snuggling a white poodle with a pink floral kerchief?

I’m getting some serious mixed messages here.

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So… now you know what egregious transgressions to reference when you write to your congressmen and demand reform.
No more crappy profile photos!
No more poorly written dating site messages!
When will the madness end?

When citizens like you and me take a stand.
That’s when.

10 Mistakes Every Guy Should Avoid – pt. 2

Let’s just pick right up in the barren wasteland where we left off, shall we?

6.  No punching.

Do I need to review the rules of behavior from Kindergarten playground days?
(Actually….. (strokes invisible Fu Manchu ‘stache)… that wouldn’t be a bad idea for a blog post… things you learned on the Kindergarten playground that apply to your dating life now.  So, I’ll work on the title, whatevs)

I don’t want to see you making your most menacing face, assuming the bully stance and capturing your clenched fist in the shot.  I see – no lie – at least one of these a week.

Did I miss some macabre memo where women want to see a guy’s “rage-y” side?  Last I heard, we liked when men were kind and sweet and used their hands to stroke our hair or rub our feet, not threaten abuse.  But, then, what do I know… perhaps they’re going for a Chris Brown sorta vibe?  (too soon…?)

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7.  Messaging a woman multiple times when she’s clearly not interested.

Look… I just don’t have the time to reply to every man who messages me.

If I think I’m interested, I’ll write back.

If I’m not interested, but his message is sweet or charming, I’ll often write back.

But, if I’m not interested at all, I move on.  No time to waste.

Why do guys think that if a woman hasn’t written back, that the best course of action is to keep bugging her?

Sure, there’s something to be said for persistence (maybe TWO messages), but when you just can’t stop… we call that a stalker.

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8.  Photos of you with your car.

Unless you are an auto-mechanic, a car salesman or a pimp, this really isn’t relevant.  I don’t want to see pictures OF your car, and I don’t even want to see photos of you posing WITH your car like you’re some 1980’s magazine model.  You are not.

If you’re into cars, great.  Tell me that in the written part of your profile.  You don’t see me snapping photos of my bargain finds from Sam Moon or the latest mortar ‘n pestle I found for perfectly muddling my mint, do you?  The only reason for putting the cars in there is to brag that they’re either expensive or particularly manly.  That’s lame.  Stop doing it, MmmmK?

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9.  Tattoo shots.

You may be thinking, “hey, these people are just showing a piece of their personality.  Or, maybe you’re thinking, “they’re letting you know that they HAVE a tattoo, in case you’re not a “tattoo person” (which, incidentally, I’m not).
But I postulate that it’s just a cheap excuse to show off their bodies/muscles.  It’s like the male equivalent to the gratuitous cleavage photo.

What’s worse is that half the time, ALL they have on their profiles are the tat pics.

No faces, jut skulls.

No charming smiles, just flames and crosses.

No “check out my friends and I at last year’s Halloween Pub Crawl!”…only unintelligible Chinese characters and old girlfriends’ names.  Really?  (Sighs…)

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10.  Abs.
They’re great…but I don’t need to see you pulling up your shirt to show them off.

Look – women certainly appreciate a guy who’s fit – I’d be lying if I said otherwise.  We also like a guy who’s strong – it appeals to that primal desire for a protector.  But, we’re not sitting around dreaming about a man with tight abs.  Seriously.

In fact, if I was to make a list of qualities women look for (say I polled 1,000 women), I’m willing to bet that “a wicked 6-pack” doesn’t even crack the top 25.  Am I alone here, ladies?

Show me a photo where you’re smiling ear to ear or caught mid-laugh, and I’m yours.  Cutting off your head so as to get a focused shot of your abs…I’m not yours.

Well, there you go… for now.

I’m sure there are a hundred more “tips” I could provide, based on my unfortunately protracted foray into the online dating profile world, but…. .baby steps.

10 Mistakes Every Guy Should Avoid – pt. 1

As I cull through online profiles, I see SO many of the same mistakes…I may actually be slowly going insane.

So, if I’m forced to be subjected to the ignorance and stupidity of online men,
you all will have to listen to the occasional ranting…
Consider it a public service announcement.  I’m a giver, what can I say.

Here are a few tips if you men out there wanna make the ladies swoon…
Or, at the very least, not make them throw up a little in their mouth when they view your profile.

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1.  It’s “woman.”  With an “a.”  You’re looking for a womAn.  You are not looking for a women.
If you are, you may want to consider a religious change of venue.  Might I recommend Yearning for Zion?

Whenever I see this typo (and I’m being gracious that it’s a typo and not just sheer idiocy), it makes me ill-inclined to “lime to chat”… I’m just sayin’.

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2.  Apostrophes.  Use them.  I can’t stress this enough.  How many TIMES will the lazy men of this cyber world force this grammar-savvy girl to read the word “im?”  I’m here to spread the gospel news:  “Im” is not a word!  Say it with me…

If you can’t handle inserting the appropriate symbol, then just type in the ONE extra letter and say, “I am.”  And this guy HERE?  He’s studying English.  The sad irony is so thick, I may need to take the lid off to drink it all in…

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3.  Punctuation.

It is your friend.
Don’t be afraid to use it.
Otherwise, I will purposely read your profile thusly:  I’ll take one enormous breath and then read the entire thing without pause or intonation in a robotic monotone.
It kills at parties.

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4.  Scary photos.

I will never understand this phenomenon.  Why would you want to terrify your potential soul mate?

Most women I know don’t want to see your face painted to look like your flesh is coming off, covered in creepy duck tape or with an eery gas mask on the only un-tattooed part of your body.

I know, I know… we’re so high maintenance not wanting to go out with a guy who may be imagining how we’d taste with a little Tony Chachere, slow roasted on a rotisserie spit…

The funny part is, these are usually the guys who say they don’t want any drama.

Really?

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5.  Crass messages.

Dude.  I don’t know how to be MORE clear in my profile that I’m not just looking for a hook-up.
And, if you DO insist on going for it, at least put some nuance and cleverness into your approach.
A witty line has a lot more potential than something like this:

Listen, “I rich,” even if I WAS easy, …between the lame-sauce handle (you rich, huh?  you know how talk right too?), the photos of you covered in obvious prison tats, and your practically comical use of “no” instead of “know,”…you never stood a chance.  I hope dats kool.

More tips for later… if online profiles have taught me anything, it’s that the population out there has a very limited attention spa….. oh!  Look!  A butterfly!

You get the point.  See you tomorrow!