‘Tis the Season to be Full of Folly

Before I start dishing on my 12 Dates of Christmas, I thought we ought to review what it is I’m forced to sift through as I look for worthy candidates.

To be clear…none of these made it through my rigorous screening process.  I would hope that goes without saying, but sadly…no.

Oh deer...I don't think he understands the point of this site.  Or, should I say - the 8-point?

Oh deer…I don’t think he understands the point of this site.
Or, should I say – the 8-point?

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Pic submitted by my friend, Jenny

Pic submitted by my friend, Jenny

Men…a note.

In the same way you don’t
want to see photos of women
hiding behind trees or their
ex-boyfriends, we don’t want
to see you semi-strangling a
tight-bodied, bikini-ed woman
who looks young enough to be
your daughter, but scantily-clad
enough to make that creepy.

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gold belt

Yes…

…your tum tum is lovely.

And that gold belt is… well… it’s definitely gold.

But this photo tells me ZIP (no, not zipper…) about you.

You know – that’s not fair.  It does.  I stand corrected.
It tells me you’re the kind of guy who buys a wierdly-jointed golden metal belt.

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ab pic of ALL ab pics Since we’re already on the topic of tummies… let’s discuss a bit.

Look – I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to have to endure my share of ab pics if I’m going to be in the online dating world.  Ab shots are the Kardashians of the web-based love scene…irrelevant and annoying, but an inescapable reality.

But, where does the madness stop?  It’s one thing to show off the result of your hard work at the gym, I suppose.

But it’s another thing altogether to hold your shirt in your teeth, pull your pants down, and flex SO hard that I’m pretty sure I can see the inner workings of your spleen.

ab pic 2Maybe it’s because I’m OUT of shape, that seeing all this makes me wildly UNcomfortable.

Makes my abs hurt just looking at them.  Hey – wait….does that count as exercise??

I don't NEED a costume, I'll just pull up my shirt and be "ABDOMINAL MAN!"

I don’t NEED a costume,
I’ll just pull up my shirt and be “ABDOMINAL MAN!”

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punch a kid

Other things that don’t make us swoon.

Punching for the camera, while making you’re Mr. T “I’m gonna get you sucka” face.

But for added measure, DEFINITELY line up the shot in such as way that it looks like you’re clocking your 4-yr-old daughter in the face.

Family violence will get you everywhere.
(Well………. where “everywhere” means prison, but who’s counting.)

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For those of us women who aren’t sticks…and have a little added cushioning (which I think makes us especially adorable, but that’s just one woman’s opinion), we attract a bit of a different ‘crowd’ of men because of those curves.

I get messages from men all the time, where it’s obvious they haven’t read a word of my profile, but saw my pics and they like a less-than-skinny girl.  My friend recently joined OKCupid and listed herself as “Curvy.”  This is a response she got that same night.  Keep it classy, Houston.

Photo submitted by my friend, Katie

Photo submitted by my friend, Katie

I guess I can applaud his use of ski entendtre, but why is he calling her Jesus?  Sigh…

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Either your dog has some alarming radioactivity or a disturbing reaction to poor-taste photography.

Either your dog has some alarming radioactivity or a disturbing reaction to poor-taste photography.

I really don’t care how wicked awesome your piercings…
I don’t want to see you sticking out your tongue.

Fact.

 

Someone hydrate this man.

Someone hydrate this man.

 

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Identity crisis much?

Identity crisis much?

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Sir, are you aware you're wearing TWO hats?  Just checking.

Sir, are you aware you’re wearing TWO hats? Just checking.

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bobcat fabulousAnd for our last festive selection, let’s review the entirety of this shot.

This is probably a cool guy…but the photo has a certain Kentucky-chic thing goin’ on that I can’t ignore.

Posing next to a stuffed bobcat (though…who’s to say it’s dead?  Maybe it’s his pet and photo buddy.  After all, “tiger” DID pick out a happenin’ pair of shades to complete the look…), he’s got his Encyclopedia of N. American bears shirt as a sporty accent to the shrine to hunting behind him.

In the foreground, the quintessential jug ‘o moonshine.  (I mean… it can’t be officially classified as “Kentucky Chic” without that)

And if black dress socks with ripped jeans wasn’t the piece that completes the look, it’d definitely be the sofa-turned-bed in the background, which screams, “I have no home of my own.”  (And as we know…that’s a major selling point men can use to lure women in).

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Well that completes today’s peek into the cyber world of disappointment.

Stay tuned for more to come.

Think of this as my Christmas present to you.
You’re welcome.

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As of January 1st, I will be moving over to my very own website.  So exciting!  Keep watch for more details, but the new site will have the same blog-fabulous-posts along with a link to “Ask Sarah” (for dating advice or to submit blog topics), some dating services (photographers, profile bio help, etc.) and eventually a link to the e-book. 

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3 responses to “‘Tis the Season to be Full of Folly

  1. OMG. Reading about these guys makes me appreciate my man so much more. LOL I forgot how horrible the dating world really is. If (God forbid) I’m out in it again, I’m totally having a battery operated boyfriend only. 🙂

  2. I think that “Abdominal Man” might be that guy from Jersey Shore that is always showing his abs. Or.,..he is an idiot….

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