‘Tis the Season to be Full of Folly

Before I start dishing on my 12 Dates of Christmas, I thought we ought to review what it is I’m forced to sift through as I look for worthy candidates.

To be clear…none of these made it through my rigorous screening process.  I would hope that goes without saying, but sadly…no.

Oh deer...I don't think he understands the point of this site.  Or, should I say - the 8-point?

Oh deer…I don’t think he understands the point of this site.
Or, should I say – the 8-point?

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Pic submitted by my friend, Jenny

Pic submitted by my friend, Jenny

Men…a note.

In the same way you don’t
want to see photos of women
hiding behind trees or their
ex-boyfriends, we don’t want
to see you semi-strangling a
tight-bodied, bikini-ed woman
who looks young enough to be
your daughter, but scantily-clad
enough to make that creepy.

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gold belt

Yes…

…your tum tum is lovely.

And that gold belt is… well… it’s definitely gold.

But this photo tells me ZIP (no, not zipper…) about you.

You know – that’s not fair.  It does.  I stand corrected.
It tells me you’re the kind of guy who buys a wierdly-jointed golden metal belt.

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ab pic of ALL ab pics Since we’re already on the topic of tummies… let’s discuss a bit.

Look – I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to have to endure my share of ab pics if I’m going to be in the online dating world.  Ab shots are the Kardashians of the web-based love scene…irrelevant and annoying, but an inescapable reality.

But, where does the madness stop?  It’s one thing to show off the result of your hard work at the gym, I suppose.

But it’s another thing altogether to hold your shirt in your teeth, pull your pants down, and flex SO hard that I’m pretty sure I can see the inner workings of your spleen.

ab pic 2Maybe it’s because I’m OUT of shape, that seeing all this makes me wildly UNcomfortable.

Makes my abs hurt just looking at them.  Hey – wait….does that count as exercise??

I don't NEED a costume, I'll just pull up my shirt and be "ABDOMINAL MAN!"

I don’t NEED a costume,
I’ll just pull up my shirt and be “ABDOMINAL MAN!”

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punch a kid

Other things that don’t make us swoon.

Punching for the camera, while making you’re Mr. T “I’m gonna get you sucka” face.

But for added measure, DEFINITELY line up the shot in such as way that it looks like you’re clocking your 4-yr-old daughter in the face.

Family violence will get you everywhere.
(Well………. where “everywhere” means prison, but who’s counting.)

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For those of us women who aren’t sticks…and have a little added cushioning (which I think makes us especially adorable, but that’s just one woman’s opinion), we attract a bit of a different ‘crowd’ of men because of those curves.

I get messages from men all the time, where it’s obvious they haven’t read a word of my profile, but saw my pics and they like a less-than-skinny girl.  My friend recently joined OKCupid and listed herself as “Curvy.”  This is a response she got that same night.  Keep it classy, Houston.

Photo submitted by my friend, Katie

Photo submitted by my friend, Katie

I guess I can applaud his use of ski entendtre, but why is he calling her Jesus?  Sigh…

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Either your dog has some alarming radioactivity or a disturbing reaction to poor-taste photography.

Either your dog has some alarming radioactivity or a disturbing reaction to poor-taste photography.

I really don’t care how wicked awesome your piercings…
I don’t want to see you sticking out your tongue.

Fact.

 

Someone hydrate this man.

Someone hydrate this man.

 

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Identity crisis much?

Identity crisis much?

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Sir, are you aware you're wearing TWO hats?  Just checking.

Sir, are you aware you’re wearing TWO hats? Just checking.

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bobcat fabulousAnd for our last festive selection, let’s review the entirety of this shot.

This is probably a cool guy…but the photo has a certain Kentucky-chic thing goin’ on that I can’t ignore.

Posing next to a stuffed bobcat (though…who’s to say it’s dead?  Maybe it’s his pet and photo buddy.  After all, “tiger” DID pick out a happenin’ pair of shades to complete the look…), he’s got his Encyclopedia of N. American bears shirt as a sporty accent to the shrine to hunting behind him.

In the foreground, the quintessential jug ‘o moonshine.  (I mean… it can’t be officially classified as “Kentucky Chic” without that)

And if black dress socks with ripped jeans wasn’t the piece that completes the look, it’d definitely be the sofa-turned-bed in the background, which screams, “I have no home of my own.”  (And as we know…that’s a major selling point men can use to lure women in).

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Well that completes today’s peek into the cyber world of disappointment.

Stay tuned for more to come.

Think of this as my Christmas present to you.
You’re welcome.

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As of January 1st, I will be moving over to my very own website.  So exciting!  Keep watch for more details, but the new site will have the same blog-fabulous-posts along with a link to “Ask Sarah” (for dating advice or to submit blog topics), some dating services (photographers, profile bio help, etc.) and eventually a link to the e-book. 

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The 12 Dates of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
12 oppor-tu-u-nities!

Announcing, (the first annual?):
12 Dates of Christmas:  A Dating Experiment Adventure Series

Many of you have asked to hear more from my own dating life, and in an attempt to show the good parts of online dating and not just display the horror show that is 95% of online profiles, I thought I’d do a series showcasing the REAL story of dating—my kinda dating (single mom, on the online scene, etc.)

So – in this upcoming Advent season–a season of longing and hope (how appropriate, right??),
I’m going to go on 12 dates and chronicle each one.  Here are the terms/parameters:

  1. Each guy will KNOW that I’m going to be blogging about the date.
  2. I’ll include picture(s) from the date as well as a link to each of their online profiles (if they are online)
  3. Each post-date write-up will include:  who is he?  how did we meet?  what did I wear/what did we do?  how was it?  and…that ever pressing question… will there be another date?

I’d like to TRY to get a large sample of types of dates – including:

  •  just drinks (easy first date)
  • dinner/longer date
  • a second date
  • dates with men I normally might not say ‘yes’ to initially
    (stay tuned for a quasi-hot-topic post on dating outside your ethnicity…)
  • a blind date (set-up)…. Still don’t have this one set…anyone want to suggest a friend?
  • a friends-only date (to show that the online dating world can be a great place to make friends,
    as well as search for love)
  • …..any other ideas?

So far, I have a few interesting ones lined up and I’m ready to write!

The plan is to tell the REAL story – good, bad and everything in-between.
It will be an honest account.
So…you’ll hear my thoughts on everything from first impressions to how his breath smells to what we ate/drank, and even if there was a goodnight smooch.

This means that some of the posts may be less-than-thrilling, because most of these guys are GOOD guys.  I’m not going to intentionally waste my time on someone who’s an obvious jerk JUST for your entertainment.  I don’t love you all THAT much.

But, hopefully it will give you an honest glimpse into the reality of dating in phase two of your life.

Interspersed throughout these 12 posts, I will continue to publish winner’s circle posts and others…not to worry.

Before I begin… do any of you have any suggestions on this?  Details to include?  Types of men/dates to choose?  I’m open…so let the comments roll on in.

Also…I don’t yet HAVE 12 dates on the calendar…so – if any of you have any hunky, Jesus-lovin’, witty and smart bachelors just lyin’ around… don’t hold out on a blogger.  Show a sister some set-up love.

Getting a Facelift

Dear Readers,

I want to take the opportunity with today’s post, to respond to some criticism my blog and I have come under in the last few weeks.  A recent conversation led to more conversations and finally, with the (my) realization that there IS, in fact, real merit to some of the complaints.   And I, as much as I hate to admit it, have some repair work to do.

Admittedly, for this approval-hungry ENFJ (Meyer’s Briggs Inventory) and high “I” (DISC Inventory) and “Sanguine (Dolphin)” (Personality Profile Inventory) girl, …receiving criticism, regardless of how truthful it may be, is quite jarring.  …Even painful.  So… I’ve given a lot of thought to the reproach I received, to my reaction to the negative feedback and ultimately, to my goals for this blog and my “voice” as I report on the world of dating.

Here are the comments/criticisms I’ve heard, with my reactions to each.

  1. “The blog is too mean. “

This one came as a shock.  Here I thought that the snarky edge in my written “voice” was just part of my blog ‘character’ that I use to convey my thoughts.  But, as I’ve been reflecting on this idea, I’ve had to admit that I HAVE taken a slight turn toward the harsh – more edge than I want to have.  I DO want to have a sassy spunk.  I DO want to have a sarcastic bite to my tone.  But, I don’t want to be downright hurtful or mean.  One friend said that the snark was so thick, that people couldn’t see my heart.  And, while this isn’t exactly an inspirational, feel-good blog, I do want it to be known that I HAVE a heart!

And so – to that end, I’m making a commitment to dial back the snarkiness ever so slightly, so that I can bring the blog back to a place of sarcastic, but not hateful humor.

2.  You hate men.”

Ok, this one cracks me up.  I hate men?  I’m SEARCHING for a man!  The whole POINT of being online and going on these dates is to find a man for myself.  I think men are great.  Hellooooo…I want one of my very own!  I don’t hate them.  I DO hate the difficulties of navigating the differences between the sexes, the way they behave and communicate,…but that’s also part of the fun – delving into the puzzle and learning how to be in relationship with people of the opposite sex.   I am certainly far from being a man-hater. I’m more like a man-hunter.  And along the way, I’m having a lot of fun befriending other men.

     3.    “You’re not explicit enough about your Christian faith.”

This one is on purpose.  I want the blog – and my life – to be accessible to as many different people and different belief systems as possible.  And I want the fact that I put my faith in Christ, to come across in the ‘between the lines’ of my life, not in me being preachy in my writing.  In the course of writing this blog and going out with men from dating sites, etc., I’ve met some AMAZING people who span the spiritual continuum from atheists to (as my atheist friend calls them), “hard core Christians.”  And I SO value the friendships of the people who believe differently than I do, that I don’t want anything in the way of that.  That’s NOT to say that I am ashamed of my beliefs or have watered them down to be friends with people who aren’t where I am.  I still go to church.  I still pray.  I’m still a theology nerd.  I still struggle with my own spiritual journey and understanding what it really means to be a follower of Christ in this broken world.

But, the blog isn’t a place where I need to plant my spiritual flag.  And that’s not how I operate.  I try to live my life authentically and in doing so, hope that the light of Christ in me will shine – without me having to SAY it.

I actually have a post in my drafts folder right now, discussing the difficult aspect in dating, of HOW to see if you line up with someone on this front… so, stay tuned.  The post is not, in any way, written to persuade,…but only to bring to light how hard it is to bring UP this topic on first or second dates… trust me…it’s not exactly a sexy talking point.

    4.    “You do too many ‘XYZ’ kind of posts and not enough ‘ABC’ ones”
             Or “Who is your target audience ANYway?”

Let me begin by saying that I want to accomplish ALL of the following:

–       General comedic entertainment

–       Dating/Relationship Advice

–       Creating solidarity with fellow women AND men in the dating trenches

–       Storytelling about my own and others’ experiences in the dating world

–       Discussion about men, women and relationships

–       (once my website is launched) – Dating Services (help with profile writing, links to photographers, etc., and even an “Ask Sarah” column…more on all this later)

Unfortunately… I can’t seem to please everyone all the time.  But I CAN admit that I sometimes get on ‘kicks’ where I neglect one facet of the blog.  I’d like to have posts about my personal dating life, online dating in general, relationships and of course, continue the “winner’s circle” editions with the (literally) ridiculous photos.  But, I am going to try to diversify more, as well as include more of the GOOD stories from my dating life.

To be honest, the majority of my dates are quite lovely.  And I plan to talk about those more, while hopefully keeping my sassy ‘flavor.’

In fact… in the advent season, I’m going to be writing a mini-series:  “The 12 Dates of Christmas” in which I’ll go on 12 dates between Thanksgiving and Christmas, where the men know ahead of time that I’ll be blogging about the dates afterwards – good, bad and everything in the middle.  In fact, one guy has already agreed, but on the condition that he write his OWN interpretation of the date and have me link to HIS blog!  It’s gonna be fun.  Again – stay tuned.

Basically – consider this a face-lift.  Everything you love about the blog – the snarky frivolity and sassy take on dating – will remain.  I’m just going to take some of the biting edge out of my “voice.”  Be patient with me, as finding this balance sometimes seems nearly impossible.  And thank you to those of you who’ve stuck with me.

Lastly – if you know someone who’s read the blog and was offended, or if you’ve felt that way – I encourage you to hang in there and see if it doesn’t soften a bit and nestle right back into your reading/entertainment sweet spot.

This One’s for the Boys

I know I give the guys out there a lot of grief for ridiculous profile shots, so – I’ve decided to turn the tables and showcase some of the equally disturbing women’s pics.  These have been sent to me by guy friends and readers of the blog,
so – if you don’t like what you see, I suppose you can take it up with them.  🙂

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Because nothing says “I like to snuggle” quite like
crazy eyes and dried blood.

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I have to applaud her enterprising spirit.
I mean… just think of the SAVINGS.

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I’ve heard of “PROFILE” pictures, but…

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This is just one example of MANY like this out there.

It’s hard to be upset with the guys online just hunting for a hookup,
when the women are just as bad…

* Sighs dramatically *

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I don’t think you understand the word “happily…”

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And, it wouldn’t be a complete post on the horrors of female profiles without some discussion about cleavage.  We’ve got two classic faux pas here:

In the first shot… apparently the only way to get the perfect display of the girls is to hold the phone as high up into the air as possible.  VERY natural.

In the next one…we’ve gone with the more understated approach:  headless.

Both are wonderful ways to show nuance, mystery and femininity.
Way to represent, ladies.

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In her “About Me” section, all it said was: “I’m a Mermaid.”
Discuss.

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She must be a Doctor.

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Not only is she very angry at her shoes, but she also enjoys sniffing what I can only assume is a dried lizard.
This girl’s a keeper.

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I have a pretty good guess as to why you’re “misunderstood”…
Repeat after me: Font choice.

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And…we wouldn’t have a complete post about women’s photos if we didn’t include some cat shots.

It’s KINDA hard to respond indignantly to the jokes about being a single ‘cat lady’ when so many women post photos of themselves posing with their cats, or worse… JUST photos of the cats.  The next shot was the ONLY profile picture this woman posted.


I’m callin’ ‘fakeout’ on this one… I don’t even think this IS your cat.
Are we scanning in calendar pages now? Is this what it’s come to?

So, there you have it.

A glimpse from life on the other side of the gender fence.

Sadly, the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” philosophy seems to be in full effect.

I can practically hear the resigned cries of, “I SEE your troubling bachelor pad and excessive ab shots and I raise you sex without commitment.”  We’re keepin’ it classy, sisters.   Keeping it classy.

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Special thanks to my friend, Scott for submitting many of these.  My condolences…

I Hate to be the Wearer of Bad News…

You all remember Raul?  If not…by way of refresher, he’s a guy I dated – it didn’t work out, and I wrote a blog post about our “break-up.”  You can check it out here.

Well, Raul and I have remained friends and it’s a great friendship!  I asked him for advice, the other day, on what to wear for a date this weekend, and he sent me a mini tome on the matter.  So, naturally – I thought I’d post it.

I figured, the women can read it to get some insight into what guys think about how they prepare for and look on dates,
and guys can read it to see if it’s an accurate representation.
I’d love some commentary below… I mean…do you other guys REALLY agree that you want a girl to come out “UN-spanxed??”  Can it BE?  I’m a doubting, spanx-wearing Thomas…
Convert me.

Enjoy!

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I have no idea if what I’m saying is worthwhile or representative of most guys – it’s just my sole opinion, but I’ll generalize as if I’m speaking on behalf of the entire US male population.

OK, here’s the bottom line:  99% of the time, we couldn’t care less what you wear.  Really, it doesn’t matter.  Whether you’re wearing a miniskirt or a canvas sack, we probably think it would look best on our bedroom floor.  There you go.  Plus, we won’t remember it the next day, anyhow, unless the impression was a really bad one.  How do you avoid a bad choice?  Follow these guidelines:

1) Wear something appropriate.  This is the number one – and probably the only – consideration.  Fortunately, it is also the easiest.  We certainly don’t expect you to obsess over what you wear to meet us; using your normal judgment in what’s appropriate should be simple enough.  After all, we’ll hardly give a moment’s notice to what you’re wearing unless it’s totally, wildly inappropriate.  If we ask you out to a honky-tonk dive bar, don’t show up in a ball gown.  If we ask you out to a nice French restaurant, don’t show up in sweatpants.  This isn’t rocket science.  But it IS probably the only time we’ll make a judgment about YOU based on your clothing.  If you show up in blue jeans and a t-shirt for the symphony, we’re embarrassed.  We make certain assumptions about your background/upbringing/education, and will give serious thought before inviting you to something nice again.

This also includes activity-appropriate clothing if the date involves a fair amount of movement (dancing, bowling, batting cage, shark wrestling, etc.), wear something that allows you to do that activity comfortably – if you knew what the date involved, we don’t want to hear you say “I can’t because my skirt is too tight / dress is too long.”

2) Wear something you are comfortable in.  This means two things:  First, don’t wear something that will cause you to complain (I’m cold, I’m hot, this scratches, my feet hurt, this purse is heavy – please hold it, etc.).  In fact, once you are dressed, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat a few times, “I will not complain on this date.”  Good, now you’re ready to go.  (OK, I’m exaggerating….a little.)

Second, “comfortable” means wear something you are confident in.  If you are visibly self-conscious, that’s a distraction.  If you are constantly tugging down your skirt, pulling up your strapless top, talking about the fact that other people are staring at you, etc., that’s a distraction that makes you look nervous or self-absorbed.

And yes, I’ve had the occasional date that seemed derailed by what the girl wore and how it made her feel (inappropriate to the venue, uncomfortable for the planned activity, inappropriate for the weather, and yes, someone who complained about her feet hurting every five minutes (so why did she wear those shoes?).  I just think that the early dates should be as distraction-free as possible, because you want to focus on each other.  But I could always be wrong.

3) Don’t show up all spanxed out.  This is false advertising.  I know, girls don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.  We want to see you for you, not the tucked-in, trussed-up, ratcheted-down, corseted, lifted, sculpted, Wonder Bra-ed version of you that does not, in fact, exist in real life.  That doesn’t mean thrown on some shapeless, frumpy, moo-moo as an alternative…it just means that whatever you choose should be an honest reflection of who you are.  If you want to be appreciated for who you are (and who doesn’t?), then don’t be afraid to show up that way.  We understand that no one is perfect, and we don’t expect perfection (lest you expect it of us!).

4) Don’t wear your “dating uniform.”  To quote Sarah, —  “TRY.  That’s it.  Effort.  [Men] love a [woman] who gives THOUGHT to us.  Effort is at the root of romance.”  We don’t want to feel like we’re just date #572…where you put on your “1st date” go-to outfit, pick up your lunch pail, and go to work.

5) Calibrate the “revealing” aspect of your outfit to where you want the date to go.  If you’re not sure yet, err on the side of demure.  I did not say err on the side of the masculine (for most women, pantsuits are as difficult to pull off successfully as very short haircuts), just go a little more conservative if you don’t want him to focus exclusively on “those” thoughts (remember, he’s a guy, those thoughts will be there even if you show up in a burqa).  If you don’t want to be complaining to your girlfriend that he never made eye contact above your neckline, then don’t where something that makes him spend the entire dinner hoping for something to slip out.  I’ve had girls show up for dinner at a restaurant in VERY revealing clothing, and I almost think that’s a test – if I glance down, I lose.

But if you do think you want the date to go there, then anything that leans towards descriptions like “short”, “tight”, “low cut”, or “see-though” (or my favorite – all of the above) is probably a good thing, as long as it manages to remain at least somewhat classy/tasteful, and does not cause others around you to think “who let that trollop in here?”  If meeting his parents for the first time, avoid anything with two or more of the aforementioned adjectives – remember, one is fine, two or more, and you’re “that tart that Raul brought over for dinner”.  Not good.

Well, them’s the rules.

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Aside from doling out advice for the women of online dating, Raul enjoys traveling, cooking, fly fishing, scuba diving, reading and, in general, getting krunk.
He currently works as a steel drum virtuoso in an internationally-recognized Calypso band.”

*-*-T-E-R and Smoocher Was her Name-O …pt. III

I don’t think it’ll come as any great shock to most of you that I like to smooch.  I do.  Are there people who DON’T?
And I give a lot of mental airtime to the idea of kissing… after all, not only is it fun to do, but I honestly think it is a significant form of communication and connection. 

Now, this doesn’t mean I go throwing it around…and I’m happy to define my terms here, but when I’m on a date and I’m learning about the guy… if I feel an attraction, why wouldn’t I want to know how he communicates in that way? 

Let me be clear…there are all sorts of ways to kiss. 
There are sweet short kisses that tell you what you need to know and simultaneously impress you in their restraint, 
and then all the way at the other end of the continuum, you’re muggin’ down on the couch of some wine bar for all the world to see.  
And then, … in some rare cases, thre are those dates that end with your neck getting licked…like a dog. 
No, I do not lie.  My dear friend went on a date that ended just like that.  No kiss.  No makeout session.  Just one long clean lick of the neck and off he went… probably to go chase a tennis ball.
Say it with me:  “Guh-ross.”

So, today’s 2-part question is – how does kissing play into the beginning phase of the dating process…and how does it affect the relationship afterward, if you decide to stay friends?

Everyone is different with their “rules.”  (By the way, if you think you don’t have rules and that you just “go with the flow” and see where the wind takes you, you’re wrong.  You may be open to spontaneity, but you have boundaries and lines you won’t cross…they may not be as tidy and defined as mine, but you’ve got ’em.  We all do.  For instance, one of my rules (now), is – ‘no second date if he licks me.’  Just sayin’…).
But everyone differs on whether they’ll kiss on the first date, and if so, what KIND of smooch it’ll be…
For me, it’s less about a line in the sand I’ve made, and more about the nature of the date.  If we are connecting and enjoying each other and there’s a natural opportunity for a kiss, I’m going to go for it.  After all – it’s more information!  Is he a good kisser?  (as defined my more than technique… looking for passion and thoughtfulness… to see more about how I gauge a kiss, check out this post.)  My time is limited and if I go on 5 dates with a guy before ever getting smooched, only to find that he’s inconsiderate, overly aggressive, or a myriad other deal-killers, those are 5 dates worth of nights I’m never getting back!

I know some of you are thinking…. well, what if that makes you too easy? 
Look…I’m not giving away the whole enchilada… just a kiss. 
It matches my personality – outgoing, expressive, passionate. 

And… to clarify…I go on PLENTY of first dates where I DON’T kiss.  It’s not a given.  It just isn’t ‘off’ the table.

In some cases, I’ve had girlfriends who kissed on the first date and then never heard back from the guy.  They thought that maybe it was because they’d “given too much away on the first date.” 
Doubtful
I dare say I’ve never met ANY guy who wouldn’t call a girl back for a second date because she kissed him at the end of the date.  Not unless the kiss was BAD….or something ELSE was going on.  Readers, feel free to disagree with me.

Next…post-snogging relationships.  If you decide to take your relationship to the friend zone (“Iiiii’ve been to the fri-iend zone…fri-iend zone… take me riiiiiight into-oooooooo the frie-end zooooone……. ok, sorry…I simply couldn’t resist it), and you’ve already been to smoochville?  Simple answer.  Just talk about it.  One converstaion is all it will take.  Quick and dirty.  Something like this:
Hey – you’re so fun.  I’d love to keep this friendship going, but I just don’t think we’re a good romantic match.  And yes…I know… we’ve kissed.  But I can be cool about it if you can.”  Boom.  Done.
Who knows…you may even laugh about it.  You MAY even be able to give each other tips for going forward!  It HAS been known to happen.

Basically, I’m saying there’s no need to be afraid of kissing.

BUT.   (and, naturally, I’m assuming the appropriate high school youth pastor posture as I say this)…
know your limits and lines going INTO a date. 
It may sound parental and silly, given that many of us are adults in our 30’s, 40’s and up… but I still have to remind myself of my standards and ‘rules’ for physical connection.  And if I know what I will and won’t do on a date, going into it, that frees me up to be able to enjoy a snog-fest, should it come my way.

*-A-T-E-R and Caller Was her Name-O …pt. II

We left off last time with giving your phone number out easily and freely… because… why not?

So, then what?
Maybe you get a flirty banter going…and then on to a date.  Fantastic!

But sometimes you get the most charming back and forth on the phone or text, but it just sits there indefinitely… ugh…

Let’s look at the case of my friend:  we’ll call her Karen.  She met a guy on a 20-mile bike ride/race/drinking thing…(sounds fun, huh?  Except for the biking part).  They talked on and off for 2 hours, ended up having a smooch fest in the parking lot and he put his number into her phone.  The next day he called, but quickly had to get off the phone for some technical difficulty issue, but texted her promptly thereafter.  Then, nothing.

Karen wanted to know if she should shoot him a text to let him know she was still interested.  I said, DEFINITELY.  I mean, …again – what’s the harm?  If he likes her, he’ll be glad to know he’s not alone and that she is intrigued as well.  If he is done with her, then she has nothing to lose.  He’s already a loser.  Ya know?

She (wisely) took my advice and was emboldened to write him back.  They’ve been texting ever since, but sporadically.  They’ll go strong for a while and then nothing…and then she’s left wondering if she should initiate again to pick it back up or if that will create a bad habit of her always having to light the communication fire.  Also… it’s now been over 2 weeks of on/off texting and he hasn’t asked her out again.  She’s pretty traditional and won’t do the asking…so here we sit.  And wait.  In textual, but stagnant land.
(which, by clarification, is not nearly as much fun as the title suggests…)

This brings up an interesting point I’ve noticed as I’ve talked with my single friends, and as I’ve been on ‘the scene’ myself.

1.  Women (other than myself) often don’t want to be the initiators of texting or getting together
NOT because they’re shy or old-fashioned, but because they don’t want to set a precedent early on that they will be the take-control person in the relationship.  Many of my friends have expressed fear that if they act more assertively in asking a guy out, that he’ll take the cue and run with it…never to pursue her again.  And that will define their relationship forever…him being lazy in the back seat and her being forced to “nag” him into action.  Ick.

And yet, I don’t think they’re all wrong.  I also don’t think that initiating the first meet-up necessarily turns them into the rat in the skinner box either – ever conditioned to be on the sidelines of the dating relationship and never to take the reigns.  But, this is how the tricky world of dating gets so convoluted….she doesn’t want to be read as the necessary agressor, he doesn’t want to move forward not knowing if she’s truly interested or only game-playing…so neither of them paddles the boat…and so it sits.  Unmoving in the middle of the lake.  Wow…exciting stuff…

Sigh…it’s like we’re on a giant strategy game board and and each piece is pacing and darting…just watching and waiting to see how to best make their move in such a way that they’ll save face, not look like an idiot, pursue with enthusiasm but not be seen as overly agresive, and still be thought of as romantic and sweet, but not TOO sweet or doormat-ish, …….it’s EXHAUSTING!

Next time…does mugging down hurt your chances of a second date?  (or a real first date?… or being friends later?)