Before I start dishing on my 12 Dates of Christmas, I thought we ought to review what it is I’m forced to sift through as I look for worthy candidates.
To be clear…none of these made it through my rigorous screening process. I would hope that goes without saying, but sadly…no.
In the same way you don’t
want to see photos of women
hiding behind trees or their
ex-boyfriends, we don’t want
to see you semi-strangling a
tight-bodied, bikini-ed woman
who looks young enough to be
your daughter, but scantily-clad
enough to make that creepy.
…your tum tum is lovely.
And that gold belt is… well… it’s definitely gold.
But this photo tells me ZIP (no, not zipper…) about you.
You know – that’s not fair. It does. I stand corrected.
It tells me you’re the kind of guy who buys a wierdly-jointed golden metal belt.
Look – I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to have to endure my share of ab pics if I’m going to be in the online dating world. Ab shots are the Kardashians of the web-based love scene…irrelevant and annoying, but an inescapable reality.
But, where does the madness stop? It’s one thing to show off the result of your hard work at the gym, I suppose.
But it’s another thing altogether to hold your shirt in your teeth, pull your pants down, and flex SO hard that I’m pretty sure I can see the inner workings of your spleen.
Makes my abs hurt just looking at them. Hey – wait….does that count as exercise??
Other things that don’t make us swoon.
Punching for the camera, while making you’re Mr. T “I’m gonna get you sucka” face.
But for added measure, DEFINITELY line up the shot in such as way that it looks like you’re clocking your 4-yr-old daughter in the face.
Family violence will get you everywhere.
(Well………. where “everywhere” means prison, but who’s counting.)
For those of us women who aren’t sticks…and have a little added cushioning (which I think makes us especially adorable, but that’s just one woman’s opinion), we attract a bit of a different ‘crowd’ of men because of those curves.
I get messages from men all the time, where it’s obvious they haven’t read a word of my profile, but saw my pics and they like a less-than-skinny girl. My friend recently joined OKCupid and listed herself as “Curvy.” This is a response she got that same night. Keep it classy, Houston.
I guess I can applaud his use of ski entendtre, but why is he calling her Jesus? Sigh…
I really don’t care how wicked awesome your piercings…
I don’t want to see you sticking out your tongue.
This is probably a cool guy…but the photo has a certain Kentucky-chic thing goin’ on that I can’t ignore.
Posing next to a stuffed bobcat (though…who’s to say it’s dead? Maybe it’s his pet and photo buddy. After all, “tiger” DID pick out a happenin’ pair of shades to complete the look…), he’s got his Encyclopedia of N. American bears shirt as a sporty accent to the shrine to hunting behind him.
In the foreground, the quintessential jug ‘o moonshine. (I mean… it can’t be officially classified as “Kentucky Chic” without that)
And if black dress socks with ripped jeans wasn’t the piece that completes the look, it’d definitely be the sofa-turned-bed in the background, which screams, “I have no home of my own.” (And as we know…that’s a major selling point men can use to lure women in).
Well that completes today’s peek into the cyber world of disappointment.
Stay tuned for more to come.
Think of this as my Christmas present to you.
As of January 1st, I will be moving over to my very own website. So exciting! Keep watch for more details, but the new site will have the same blog-fabulous-posts along with a link to “Ask Sarah” (for dating advice or to submit blog topics), some dating services (photographers, profile bio help, etc.) and eventually a link to the e-book.