As we approach the Presidential election, I’m reminded of this simple truth: your options really could be so much worse.
When I see the steady feed of election-related complaints on Facebook and Twitter, I take comfort knowing that whether Romney OR Obama wins, our country’s commander and chief will still be light years ahead of the options in my dating life.
Don’t believe me? Think I’m exaggerating? Well – loosen that respectably presidential navy blue tie, buckle up and get ready as I present MY binder full of men… (yeah…I went there. I typically do).
Submitted by my friend, Jenny
I think the most unfortunate part of this guy’s photos…is that he actually looks BETTER as a vampire. Not a lot of people can say that…
Now that I think about it, I really hope the pic on the left was taken at RenFest or Halloween… and that he doesn’t just have an unfortunate ketchup incident happening at the corner of his mouth…
You honest, huh? Would your wife agree with that statement?
There are TONS of guys online who admit to being married and looking for a hookup. And lots of them have the audacity to claim “honesty” as a draw – because they’re telling YOU what’s up. I highly doubt that same level of candor is being displayed on the homefront. If it weren’t so seedy, this would crack me up. “Honest.” Why not just go full-tilt and call yourself “faithful?” Oh wait…
This guy’s profile SHOULD read:
“I illiterate. I also D-bag.”
Yup – this really is happening.
This guy is concentrating mighty hard to keep the top
part of his head OUT of the shot, whilst being certain
of a solid crotch grab IN the shot.
One has to have priorities.
I mean… nothing oozes understated sexiness
like grabbing your goodies and then snapping a photo in your bathroom mirror with your phone.
Then there’s the icing on the cake – the mystery of
“is it a belt gone awry? or is it a gun?” factor… No, seriously…is this guy packing heat? (And no, I’m not using entendre…)
And don’t even get me started on the janitor keys.
This guy’s got it ALL, ladies. RRRrrrrrr…….
Uuuuum….. thank you? I suppose I should be flattered…?
There are two major problems with this message:
a. Improper grammar. What? Isn’t that the first thing EVERYONE noticed?
b. You really should’ve said it like your grammy used to: “I could just eat you UP!”
“I could just eat you UP” says – I’m a sensitive guy who appreciates family values.
“I want to eat you” says – Pay no attention to that A1 sauce sticking out of my pocket and my creepily unblinking eyes.
Oh, ho ho… hello there lovely lady! You caught me checking the time with this handsome timepiece here.
What’s that? You also noticed the not-at-all-garish golden ring on my well-manicured pinky? Well, THAT was purely accidental! Hah!
While still checking my watch in a casual manner, let me just slip my phone out and snap a photo in this hotel bathroom…
When I imagine my prince…the man who will win my heart and sweep me off my feet – THIS is basically what I picture.
A 1980’s craigslist UNmade futon in the background…
And a bachelor who’s not only too lazy to move from his reclined position on the couch, but can’t even muster up the energy required to stick his fat tongue back into his mouth?
Apparently I need to change the parameters I’ve set up on my account, since I continue to attract the kind of men who keep an extra 6-sided die and a booster pack of Pokemon cards in their wallets…JUST in case.
I mean, look, I’m not anti-sci-fi. I love me some James Tiberius and I’ve even been known to watch the occasional episode of Dr. Who. Hey – do NOT judge me… what self-respecting, closet-space craving, Carrie Bradshaw wanna-be wouldn’t love a phone booth sized transportation device that’s infinitely bigger on the inside? Just think of the shoe capacity!!
But, I draw the line at dragon collecting. A girl, nerd or no, has her standards.
There’s a “teen” in the number.
This is a whole new low.
It’s the lowest aged guy who’s contacted me yet. I thought I was scraping the bottom with the plethora of 22-year olds… (I get a lot of traffic from the 22-year-old camp of boys. Is there some online bro-code scavenger hunt that gives you extra points if you ‘bag’ a curvy single mom in her 30’s? But, I digress…)
I love how this guy says “Id love to get to know you”… please. First of all, ask your English teacher to tell you about the wonders of apostrophes. Secondly, “get to know me?” I’m just goin’ out on a limb here, but I don’t think you have ANY interest in actually getting to know me. You just want one thing. A liquor store hook-up. Oh…what?
Look, sweetie… just take a date your own age to the prom, and when you wake up to the faint odor of spiked punch and regret, I’ll be eating pancakes with my children – like a grown-up.
I guess this guy felt like I needed to see a picture of how he lives? Well, great. Now I feel bad that I didn’t take a photo of my pantry or some other random household spot. I mean… how can I expect anyone to love me if they don’t know I keep the quinoa next to the lentils?
You play her, THE Latin Percussionist? Between that relationship and your gang, I don’t know HOW you find the time for dating…
I just don’t get what prompts these men to choose THESE photos to woo women.
This one decided he’d pose in front of his pay-by-the-hour “apartment” where the door looks like its been kicked by one too many angry pimps and/or baby daddies.
To make the photo really sing, he thought holding a beer while wearing a wife beater was probably the best option.
Listen, at least he has this going for him: he chose a lovely heather gray and it looks reasonably clean.
Wait – what am I SAYING?
Is this is how bottom-of-the-barrel it’s become?
That all it takes to win points is a man’s wife beater being stain-free? Wow… Might be time to start PAYING for subscriptions…
This guy is the honey badger of Match.com. He does NOT care.
Let’s discuss the things about this photo I’m NOT in love with:
a. armpit hair. Look, I’m not anti-pit-hair… it happens.
But I also don’t wanna be all up IN it.
b. sweaty shirt. Yum.
c. ZERO smile. This guy looks like he’s having about as much fun as my left earlobe.
Based on this picture, not only am I not interested in dating this man, but even a year’s worth of gym towels couldn’t persuade me to join this Fitness Center.
“You are nice. Here’s lookin’ out! Hi – I am Tony.”
“You are nice-looking. Hi – I am Tony.”
“I’m an idiot.”
I realize that in a guy’s mind, he’s thinking, “Daaaang…my pecs look awesome today. So amazing, in fact, that I’m sure the ladies won’t think I look asinine without my pants all the way on, and they’ll be so distracted by muscular greatness that they won’t even care that you can’t even make out my face in the shot. Who cares about faces ANYway?”
But, when I see photos like this, here’s what I imagine he’s thinking,
“[grunt…hmph… man noises…] Gotta pee. Don’t wanna miss too much of the game (or Spongebob, or whatever captivating tv is on), so I’ll start undoing my pants en route to the bathroom. Oh wait…just got a text from my buddy. Awww, SWEEEET, man… it’s the “Like a Boss” video again. Dude this just never gets old! Let me stand here in the doorway and watch it, half nude.”
So…it’s come to this. The only one out there still willing to date me is Jesus.
You know, I KNEW this day would come… I just didn’t think he’d live so far away…
And who would’ve guessed he’s a Capricorn?
Do NOT go to the light!
I don’t know why in the world someone would post this.
Are you THAT bad looking that a crappy picture of, what I can only assume is the business end of a flashlight, is better than your face?
I look at this and I get the distinct feeling that I’m just coming out of some drug-induced coma and my captor is assessing how viable I am for further questioning.
Well, in the words of Marilyn Monroe,…..(adjusted for related content)…
“Happy JerkDay, Mr. President.”
(I must apologize for the Presidential puns….I keep thinking I mitt be done, but then I inevitably come barack for more.
hey, it’s just an inaugurational hazard… )
*Thanks to my friend, Patrick (Witch Doctor and collector of rare birds) for a bit of punny inspiration.