It has been said recently (by more than one person) that I’m “mean” when I post these photos/messages and my snarky commentary.
You say “mean,” I say “deliciously irreverent.”
Hey – tomato, tomahto.
Still – for those of you who are sensitive to this kind of unapologetic mockery… maybe just sit this one out?
I’ll be back to my ever-witty prose in no time.
I don’t know if it’s the winds of the Autumnal Equinox, the waterfowl migration season, the waxing gibbous Moon or just the sheer overwhelming influx of shockingly bad pictures and messages that have been streaming in lately, but the time has come again… and I can’t help but mercilessly judge some online stupidity, so here we are.
So, for the rest of you (other meanies like myself) – go put on your stretchy pants, pop your popcorn, get your spray butter and settle in. It’s gon’ be good…
(and…if you know me by now, you know that “good” means… ‘Oh. So. Bad.’)
Lastly…buckle up…it’s shaping up to be quite a saucy edition. (translation…get your hands prepped and ready to, at a moment’s notice, shield your eyes from the horror that will invariably pop onto your screen. And remember – I’m JUST the messenger.)
Starting off the lineup in tonight’s enigmatic prix fixe…
I’m not sure how this guy defines “fun” when his picture looks more like a dermatological workup than a profile photo.
Is this just his way of saving money on a routine mole check? Props to you for frugality. You ARE ready for fun!
Well, here’s a surprise for you… I don’t know what the heck you mean when you say you likea (is that “like-a!” like a fake Italian accent? Or is it lIKEA, similar to the Swedish furniture heaven?) to “crackylack.” Now, I know what “crackAlack” means… hey, I know my Snoopisms… I’m cool like thizzat, yo. But, crackylack just seems to be some German phrase for distressed paint… maybe he’s referring to home improvement here? Maybe it’s some sort of jailhouse talk? I don’t know…call me crazy…mabye I just don’t get this guy because I’ve been on drinking all the time.
There’s definitely a whole exorcist vibe going on here. This guy’s innocently standing around at, what I can only assume is a Gallery opening or a Gala benefit for Xenovirus survivors, and some dark spirit is overtaking him from behind… all while his “friend” apparently just stood idly by and snapped a photo! Insensitive much? Sheesh…
Or, perhaps…. (and I’m no Doctor, but I HAVE watched every episode of ER, Grey’s Anatomy and House, so I’m practically an expert) …he has a mild case of necrotizing fasciitis. That’s not good either… (In my medical opinion)
Flesh-eating bacteria or dark underlords… either way – I think I’ll keep a healthy distance.
I think this one
misrepresents speaks for itself.
“Oh darling, DO be a lamb and wait until I cock my head back in feigned laughter and then snap this whimsical photo of me being VERY straight and carefree…”
So…SO many questions.
I don’t know very many men who would publicly admit to taking bubble baths. And OF those few, I don’t know any of them that would sip dessert wine from a fluted wine glass nestled into a scene of Tuscan tile and mahogany woodwork… except maybe my Montrose friends (for those of you who don’t know the Houston neighborhoods, I’m guessing you can use context clues to put 2-and-2 together)
This picture looks like an ad for hemmorrhoid cream or ED medicine… certainly not a way to reel in female interest.
What is this guy’s aversion to vowels? Maybe he was being held at gunpoint and forced to only use a set number of them?
Maybe he’s on a mission to showcase the consonant underdogs of the English language? I can hear the trailer for the movie now, “In a world… where vowels are king… and consonants have become a forgotten art…… ONE man… will stand up for the cause. Starring Keanu Reeves…”
I was SO tempted to write back: “Cl profle. Thnks fr the grt advce. We shld mt up smtime fr a drnk. Wht u thnk?” But I know he wouldn’t get it… so I saved that little gem for all of you. 🙂
If ever you wanted to know the WORST possible combination of variables to make an online photo attract decent women… this guy can be your mentor.
Let’s review the checklist of what makes this photo so.. SO… yeah…:
Random bathroom products in the shot
Long man hair
Blurry, out-of-focus set-up
Unfortunately placed cord hanging around your neck in such a way that it makes you look like you have chest fat rolls / wrinkles
1990’s rock ‘n roll hand gesture
Camera fully in the frame
And the Pièce de résistance of it all –
The “rage against the mirror” face…. KISS tongue and all.
Soooooo….you’re looking for a man. I think there’s a different site for that…
I don’t think this guy understands the universal and unspoken rules of bathroom shots.
Finding one with a backsplash that looks eerily similar to the coroner’s office isn’t a great start, but you’re really digging a hole when I can see your ribs… unless you’re going for that whole anorexic chic ‘look.’
And why, in heaven’s name, did you take the photo with paint all over your hand? The morgue has fantastic faucets and soap that can get ANYTHING off… I mean, I’ve heard…
I call this “Couldn’t Care Less Corner”… it’s kinda like “Pooh’s Corner,” only filled with much much more regret and self-loathing.
On the left is a guy who couldn’t even throw the dirty laundry on the ground OR open his eyes for this shot. Yes, you read correctly. He couldn’t even lift his eyelids to give a decent impression.
On the right, we have a guy who’s lounging at the gas station (no, no…don’t worry – it’s the ‘nice’ Valero), too lazy to set down his drink.
Sign me up.
Let’s talk for a minute about some of the personal messages I receive on these sites.
As we sift through the responses I get, you might be saying to yourself, “Well, she’s just ASKING for it…”
So, should you need to be reminded of what I’m putting OUT there…
here are a couple screenshots of my OKCupid profile…
So – the next portion of today’s show will feature some of the responses
I’ve gotten from men after having read what you just did.
I like to call this first duo, the “lecture circuit.” Wow… they both felt the need to correct something about me. Isn’t the whole point on online dating, that you can shop for what you’re looking for and move on when you see a profile you disagree with or don’t like? Why would you feel the need to stir up trouble by telling me what to do or challenging my beliefs? I don’t go window shopping, see a pair of boots I don’t like and go tell the shop owner what I hate about them (but you can be sure it has SOMETHING to do with a bedazzler…). No! I just keep on looking in all the windows until I see a pair that looks like… me! Sheesh.
The first guy doesn’t believe Jesus would “do you like that” (apparently Jesus would not put skates on someone and then give them a push… well, DUH…Jesus didn’t HAVE skates back in the day… but, as far as the PUSH part, …um…have you ever READ the Gospels? But, I digress).
And the second guy made me dry heave just a little. He was a train wreck through and through. First off, he misspelled a ton of words. Secondly, he was unnecessarily critical. And lastly… “blow a nut??” Oh, Lord have MERCY on his nasty soul…
The next are a series of pick-up lines that I’ve received over the last few months…
You can borrow it. Yes. But, if you keep it more than I week, I’m gonna have to charge you a dollar a day in late fees. Heeeey…. I do need a little extra mad money for the holidays…
How does one RESPOND to this? If I’m nice and say something like, “Thanks!” or “Cute…” then I’m just encouraging this kind of uncreative, cheesy behavior…right? Parents and conditioning experts… are you WITH me?
Correction. Laser eyes would have left you blind. Stunned would be more like a stun gun…. a la original Star Trek (“set phasers to ‘stun’!”)…
now if you’d said THAT, I might’ve felt a nerdy tingle… but as it is, I’m just left rolling my laser-y eyes.
Heyyyyy!!! WAIT a minute… is this deja vu? Or are these guys just Googling dorky pick-up lines and grabbing the first one they find? Or maybe there’s some “Unoriginal Men Unite” club with a 1-800 number you can call for one-liners? Oy…
Yes! Now you’re talkin’! Please DO send me a wrapped gift. But preferably not a severed head… I completed that collection in 2006.
This guy knows what he wants and GOES for it.
No unnecessary parts of speech for THIS charmer.
Real love doesn’t need a helping verb… it just needs a solid well-placed Joey Tribiani-ism and you’re golden.
Here are a couple of guys who really know what they want… new doormats.
Let’s play a fun game – “Count the red flags!”
So – you want someone that’s not going to “say she needs to go here and there with her friends” …ok
And – all this leading you’re going to do… are you going to do that mainly “threw” conversation? Or will there be a series of voice-controlled locks on the vault? I mean…the house doors.
“Preferably on the submissive side.”
How submissive are we TALKING here?
Is this a 50-shades sorta deal?
Or are we calling for full-on burka?
Alright, alright… lest it get TOO heavy, I’d like to end on a light note.
So light, in fact… because it’s unencumbered by societal limitations …you know… like clothing.
Remember at the beginning of the post where I warned you of the gritty nature of this one?
Well, wipe off those buttery fingers and get ready to shield your burning eyes…
These are two photos from the PROFILE of a guy who messaged me…and asked if I’d want to grab a… drink sometime.
I debated whether I should post these, but then I realized…hey – there should be no problem.
These are TASTEFUL and classy shots.
I mean – nothing says professional like a necktie.
And nothing screams art louder than sepia tones.
Well, H-town and beyond…