Creating Boys, but Craving Men

Let me preface this post with an apology for its length and ‘wax-ocity’ (yes…that is now a word.  When one waxes on about something… the noun form).  As I cull through online profiles or interact with men at (fill-in-the-blank: bars, church, social events, work, etc.), I’m more and more aware that I have conflicting desires.  And it’s just about time I admitted that and searched for the truth underneath it all.  After all, if I don’t know what I want – how can I get it?

I’ve had these ideas swimming in my head for months,…maybe even years now, but have never really been able to put my finger on the real problem.  Until now.  Yes – you read that correctly – I’ve figured it all out.  The answers to one of life’s greatest dilemmas – boys vs. men.   In the last few days, I had a eureka moment where I finally figured out WHY it is that we have such an abundance of boys around…and so few men!?!  I should be paid for this stuff…no, seriously… these are pearls, folks.  So – grab a pen and paper, pull up your chair and let’s get down to bidness.

A phrase you’ll hear women say all the time, is:  “I’m tired of boys.  I want a man.”
And, while I think that’s ultimately true… I’d like to contend that we (women), actually ACT otherwise, and in doing so, not only do we confuse the boys/men of the world, but we actually help create and continue a viscious cycle of making boys.  Hang with me.  This is gonna get good.

Let’s start with the basics.  What is it that sets the men apart from the boys?  And no, I’m not going to subject you to cutesy poems or posters or those things that end up all over Facebook about “boys do this, but a man does that….blah blah…”  I’m also not going to unsult your intelligence by defining it simply as a maturity issue.  There are varying levels of maturity for boys and men, …this goes beyond that.  Hello – we are ALL maturing all the time… No, I’m going to tell you, from a woman’s perspective, what it is that I see/want/think when it comes to this distinction – deeper in than issues of maturity or chivalry or the games we play.

And let me ALSO clarify that wanting a true man, doesn’t mean that we (I’m assuming other women feel the same way I do… I guess that’s a bit presumptuous, but – hey – that’s what the comments section of this blog is for) don’t want the fun, silly stuff that you may THINK I associate with being a boy.  Being a boy has everything to do with self-absorbtion and nothing to do with fun.  Being a man doesn’t mean being a reserved, measured and boring guy!  Quite the contrary!  A man, in his self-awareness, has the freedom to truly be:
– spontaneous
– silly/goofy
– witty
– romantic/impulsive
– passionate
– flirtatious/playful
A man is these things for their own sakes – because they are exciting or fun on their own, not as tools to feed a hole of unawareness or woundedness.

Let’s establish what, then, I DO mean when I am talking about men and boys.  Then, I’ll admit where I think women perpetuate the very thing we SAY we don’t want.  So – men (and boys?) – hang in there… this isn’t a man-bashing post at all.  Trust me on this.  🙂

First – let’s start with the boys.  They’re adorable, after all:

Signs you’re dealing with a BOY:

– Emotionally insecure.  (This comes across as either immaturity or an opposite defensive move – meanness, distancing, game-playing, gas-lighting, stone-walling, etc.)
– Gives in to (believes and acts on) cover emotions rather than knowing himself and digging deep within to discover/learn what it is he truly needs/desires. 
– Thinks that his happiness and his comfort are things he deserves…that you owe him.
– Relies on ego stroking and self-indulgence as his source of strength and life – even to the point of manipulating a woman to get the praise he “deserves” (needs).
– Views conversation and romantic engagement as an opportunity for his own selfish gain.  (don’t get me wrong…the effort a boy will put into his end-game (usually sex, but maybe even just self-praise) is usually pretty stinkin’ fun to be on the receiving end of.  Boys use romance, flirting, connection and sensuality to get self-gratification or sex, while a man views sex as a response to a shared love and passion…but I’m getting ahead of myself). 
– Is ultimately about the TAKING.  And never about the sacrificing.
– Is lazy.  Doesn’t “show up” to the relationship, except for the ‘fun’ parts (you know…receiving the love of an amazing woman and all…)
– Doesn’t know himself well enough to recognize his internal woundedness, and instead tries to control or dominate a woman to compensate for the mess inside him.  He disguises his own fears by masquerading as strong or unfeeling.

Next…. let’s talk about men.  Rewrrr….  Lawsa mercy I do get excited just thinkin’ about ’em…is anyone else in here warm?…. (fans herself wildly as if she has the vapers…)
Signs you’re dealing with a MAN:

– Self-aware.  Takes time to reflect on himself and identify the root of his masculinity (I dare say this has something to do with his place in the created order), and thusly – his true needs and desires.
– Isn’t afraid to recognize and tap into the deep well of emotion he has at his core.
– Realizes his role in helping a woman feel secure.  Not in a co-dependent way, but in a caring place – out of his own strength.  Quick caveat on this. ..

I’m a firm believer in men and women being equal in signifiance, but obviously different in makeup and strengths.  And, I’ll just say it – I think there IS a sense in which women are the “weaker sex.”  Oh, settle.  I’m not saying we’re less intelligent or capable.  Think of us like a highly expensive and delicate vase.  It has great worth, but it’s easly broken.  It needs to be cared for and valued.  And yes – sometimes dealt with more gently than a table saw.   That’s all.  And a man will CARE for his “vase,” while a boy won’t recognize it’s worth and will deal harshly with it…breaking it into a thousand pieces.  Ouch. 
Ok.  Caveat over.

– Is thoughtful.  Not in a Hallmark-y, “awww…isn’t he SO sweet??” way.  Not in a “he sent me roses on Valentine’s Day” kinda way.  (Gag… c’mon…roses?  Not particularly imaginative…which goes right to my point).  No – I mean – actually THINKS.  Has thoughts.  Spends time thinking.  And then acts from a place of thoughtfulness.  Pair this with him knowing about YOU?  And you’ve got a reservoir of romantic potential.  RRRrrrr…..
– Puts the needs of the people he loves in a place of significance/importance.  This means he feels good about making others happy/secure.
– Helps.  This is part of that effort I alluded to earlier.  A boy tries to get out of work, while a man wants to help you hook up your wireless router, install a towel bar and actually anchor it into the drywall, check the oil in your car even though – yes, you know how to do it, but it’s hot and he loves serving you this way, wash the dishes after a big party, kill bugs, etc.  And let me just beat you to the punch – I know women can do these things.  And we do!  But it is just so nice to know that a man WANTS to help us.  It’s an outward expression of care and really – love.
– Owns his woundedness.  Has the capacity and desire to look at his past hurts and identify them.  This means that he won’t be projecting the pain of those onto you in the relationship, but rather asking for your help to walk ALONGSIDE him as he works toward healing.  THIS is what distinguishes a codependent relationship from an interdependent one.

 Another side note.  I do a lot of these…side notes.  I guess I just have THAT much good stuff to say… it’s a heavy burden, really, but… I think I wear it with humility.
This idea of knowing your woundedness and letting the other person in the relationship come alongside you to work through it rather than putting it on that person – is something that many women are good at.  But, it’s misunderstood as its own weakness.  This is not weakness.  It’s internal strength.  I have a friend who was recently put off by a woman’s online profile because she was open about an area in which she’s tender and needs a little extra patience.  I think he was scared that she would somehow be needy …when in fact I applaud her connection with her ‘stuff,’ such that, when something comes up in that arena, she’ll know it’s triggering emotion of her own and NOT of the guy she’s with… do you realize how freeing this is?  This is the opposite of needy/clingy.  Knowing your sources/triggers of pain and your connection to past hurts is strength that can make a new relationship SING with health!

– Knows what he wants and pursues it.  Especially when it comes to a woman.  He knows what qualities he desires and when he sees them, he actively chases after them.  This means he’ll use all the tools at his manly disposal to woo you.  His charm, his kindness, and yes – his sexuality – but in the RIGHT way.  Once again – it IS very warm in here…right?  Right??
– Is responsible.  Now, wait – before you go falling asleep on me here, I don’t mean this in a “makes his bed in the morning” kinda way.  Nor do I mean it in a “makes enough money to run a home” kinda way.  NO – I’m referring to something much more intrinsic.  A man takes responsibility for what belongs to him – including the things/people he has chosen to pull into his life.  Example: If a man chooses to be with you – to commit to you – then he also takes seriously his participation in that relationship.  He takes ownership of your well-being along with his own (and yes, women – we have to do this too, to be set apart from the girls).  When he makes a mistake, even if it’s completely unintentional, he owns it.  Ok….do you feel it?  Can you sense it coming?  Time for another aside.  You know, I’m not gonna lie…this feels so right…

Let’s talk for a moment about apologies.  One of my biggest pet-peeves is a lame-sauce apology.  This would be the boy-caliber kind.  He’s gotten “caught” doing or saying something insensitive, hurtful, thoughtless, etc. and out of obligation, says something stupid like, “I’m sorry you’re upset.”  NO!  Oy…. A real apology – the kind that may just get you some make-up sex (ears perked up everywhere…) takes responsibility for the misfire, claims it honestly and shows genuine remorse.  It may look something like this:  (face is soft and accessible – makes eye contact) “I can see now how I hurt you. When I said ______________, it made you feel ________________ because _____________, and I hate to have been the cause of you hurting.  I am really sorry.”  THIS is the kind of apology that softens our hearts.  It means swallowing pride, but more at its core, it means recognizing the error and taking responsibility for the part you played in messing up.  And c’mon – everyone messes up!  So this time it’ll be your turn, the next time it’ll be her turn.  But, to be clear, it won’t ever be MY turn.  I rarely, if ever, make mistakes.

– Is authentic.  This might seem obvious.  But, oh-ho-ho… you’d be surprised.  Authenticity requires vulnerability.  And that’s a hard thing for a guy to show.  Being your true self exposes you to misunderstanding at best and cruelty at worst.  But, oh… when you find that safe space that a woman who truly loves you can offer?  You’re in the sweet spot.  And when both people are being actively authentic, the passion and satisfaction that comes from that… well, it’s other-worldly.

Ultimately, a man is all the fun of a boy (or what we THINK of as boyish) plus the selflessness that comes with knowing yourself and desiring to SHARE love, not just receive love.

I really am sorry that this is going on SO long.  And probably most of the readers have given up, but…if you’re still with me… here comes the woman bashing part.  (If make-up sex didn’t get you, maybe this will?)

I propose…(I feel like I need some kind of drum roll, or roving spotlight or at the very least, a dramatic hush to fall over the crowd)…
I propose  that women perpetuate the boyishness that we ultimately hate. 
We say with our lips, and believe in our deep-down spots that we want a man.  But we ACT (out of loneliness, desperation, fear) like we want a boy.  And – WE PURSUE BOYS.

Yup. 
We are, by nature, compassionate, mothering, nurturing – and we’re drawn to wounded/insecure boys.  Maybe at some level we feel like their reliance on us is love?  Maybe we think it’s the only ‘hook’ we can use to keep them faithful to us?  Maybe we truly think we can heal them and they’ll love us all the more for it?  But for whichever or all of those reasons and more – we pick the outwardly charming, but inwardly selfish guy.  We pick him, we jump right into his immaturity and self-absorbtion and then 6 months later we cry to our best friends and ask why he doesn’t care or doesn’t try or is distant or mean.  Why?  WHY does he treat me so badly? 
Because he’s unable to give outside of himself. Because he’s a boy. All his attention is inward.  He’s a boy.  Every sweet and romantic thing he did in the “illusion” phase was for his own glory and once he was called upon to give and sacrifice and show up… it turned out …..you guessed it… he was a boy. 

Here are some examples of how women keep men acting like boys.  How we play the game to our own detriment.

1.  Instead of saying how we really feel – and maybe making it more acceptable for him to also say how HE feels, we play the game and clam up.  Call it flirty or coy… but it’s IN-authentic. 

2.  We give a boy what he wants – in bed.  (I use the term “we” loosely here.  And yes…pun intended).  By giving in and having sex with a guy before WE are ready, we send a message that you can just have that – without any relational work.  So – after several of those encounters, boys know that it’s simply a numbers game – troll for sex long enough and you’ll find a willing taker.

3.  Similarly, we do the same thing with our affection.  We may not give sex away easily, but we’re quick to give our hearts to someone who hasn’t demonstrated they’ll show it care.  A handsome face, a sparkling wit, and we’re ready to expose our soft underbelly.   And if he was a man – he’d recognize the intimate move and match it or at the very least – step carefully around it.  But a boy will either take advantage or run for the hills thinking we’re ‘crazy’ or ‘moving too quickly’ (which…perhaps we are!)

4.  We reward the wrong things.  Remember that conditioning I talked about in an earlier post?  Give a rat a treat for doing something and he’ll do it again?  Women give men ‘treats’ (this can be anything from a come-hither look, to a favor, to a sweet touch, to our entire bodies) for simply offering up the basic human kindnesses that should just be a given.  In fact, we even reward BAD behavior (self-indulgent talking, selfishness, even rudeness) too… and we’re surprised when it continues.

I could go on and on, but I’ve already written a small thesis, so – I’m gonna try to land the plane.

From the time men are young (and it’s actually OK for them to be boys), our culture (including us women) contributes to a certain emasculation (we think it’s nurturing, caring, mothering, showing compassion, etc.) …that doesn’t stop in adulthood.  Then, when they continue to act like boys when they should have miraculously become a man, we resent their relational dependency that we so once loved.  We want a man, but we created a boy. 

One last side note:

It may be for this reason that so many women swoon over the poorly written tribute to false-masculinity that is the “50 Shades” series.  We mistake aggressive and domineering behavior for being a man…we confuse sadism with strength… and we so crave a man that we’ll take the other end of the boy pendulum (with one end being wimpy-ness and the other being misdirected aggression) instead of seeking an entirely different pendulum.  Mark these words – Christian Grey doesn’t love anyone but himself.  He is a boy in a handsome man’s body.

What’s the solution?  I’m still workin’ on that.  But, here’s what I know for ME.  I’m watching more closely than ever for those red flags of boy-hood.  And when I see them – even if they’re paired with a devilishly handsome body and well-spoken dimeanor, I’m going to keep my emotional distance until I can see the depth, vulnerability and self-awareness that constitute what I’m REALLY looking for.  I’m also not going to contribute to the boy-making anymore.  I’m not going to play games …I’m just going to be myself.  And if it sends a guy running… well, chances are – he’s a boy running away.  And that works out rather well – because it leaves the space in front of me open for a man.

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Apparently, it’s hip to be …a loser

Houston is officially a cool place to live.  According to a new ranking, Forbes.com puts us at the top of its list of hip and trendy places to live, ahead of Washington, D.C. and Los Angeles.
But, I doubt Forbes took into consideration the online dating population when making this declaration.  To really get a glimpse into the seedy underbelly of this city, you’ll have to continue this journey with me… let’s explore once again.

Do you have to tinkle?  [Sighs a parental sigh…]  THIS is why I told EVERYONE to go before we started our Olan Mills photo shoot… Even if you don’t think you have to – just try.

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I can see why you chose this shot.  It just says EVERYTHING you want it to.
“I have a headache;” “leave me alone, I’m thinking;” “I don’t give a flip;”…oh, and “my face is hideously disfigured.”

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Do not be fooled…this is not an Asian name.  This is the online handle he gave himself.  Hung – Dong.  Wow.
With a name like that, I don’t think it was also necessary to specify that you’re NOT seeking any kind of commitment.  I’m gettin’ the message loud and clear, Hung.

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This guy took a picture OF his photo in a photo album.  He couldn’t even crop it in to give the illusion of effort.

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This is his list of favorites.  Favorite movieS – “Avator.”  I would’ve accepted “Aviator,” or “Avatar.”  Fail.
Favorite books – “art.”     Um….

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Perfect profile shot, buddy.  Half of your body and ALL of the bowling alley.

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Like a good toaster… you can make this guy turn on.  But…can you allude to things said AND unsaid?

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This would be a perfect opportunity for the crop tool.  This guy was actually really handsome.  But, why?  WHY would you use a photo of you patronizing Hooters as your lure to hook potential women?  You DO know how we feel about that place, right?

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The only thing lazier than this profile would be to not HAVE a profile.  Seriously?  Are we saving THAT much time typing “ryte” instead of “right?”  He says he “dnt hv tyme”… which lets me know if I dated him, he’d either never be available to me or he’s an idiot.  I lnng twds th lttr – wut abt u?

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Phallic much?

Sheesh.

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Anybody out there who can translate Stupid?  “Got a garden, pressure can what we grow.”  Here is my best guess:

‘Pretty sure cans are what we can grow.’

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I’d like to amend my earlier list of photo ‘don’ts’ (see https://andallthatsass.wordpress.com/2012/06/16/theyre-worth-1000-creepy-words/)
to include wife beaters.
The people and the garments.  Does this really need to be said?
If you’re in a season of gang initiation (and, hey – been THERE), then, sure – tie on a doo-rag, put in your best diamond-esque earring, sport your mirrored shades and snap a pic of you looking tortured.  VERY gangsta chic.
But, if you’re trying to bag a woman…You might wanna soften it just a bit.  At the very least, opt for a print on that wife-beater.  They’re very in right now.

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These are all the same guy – same profile.  You know – I applaud his bravery.  Not everyone would be bold enough to just put it RIGHT out there that they were missing four fingers.  But this guy… wow… [tear]…
what a modern day hero.

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Your standards ARE high.  So much so that…I have NO idea what you’re saying…?  You DO want to ‘get some’ while finding someone?  And you want the some in return?

Try this, readers – reread his profile paragraph AS written – with zero punctuation and incorrect spelling and syntax galore.  It’s like a game.  Take a huge breath at the beginning, aaaaaaand…. go!

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Is that his TONGUE?  Good grief, I hope he’s just trying to blow a bubble and that’s not how he smiles.  But, at least he saves the day with the hi-def photo quality and handsome attire.

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And to close us out today… something fun we haven’t done in a while… let’s take a look at some real life online usernames/handles I’ve seen in the last couple of months.  Again… I do NOT make these up.

o  MR2BG     – I agree that SOMEthing is too big…

o   EveryLadiesGift     – where to start?  The arrogance or the “ladies”…. Plural.  Hmmm…

o   LIGHTHORESEFUN     -uh…what?  Is the horse light?  Or is the horse fun?  Or are we having light fun?  With a horse?  Is it horse fun?  I mean…sign me up for all of the above either way, but…

o   GerErDone     -Awww….so romantic.  I was just HOPING to “get done”…so this really works out

o   CatSeeker22     -um…you’re seeking cats?  I think you misunderstood this site…

o   GRRRRRR1     -are you trying to woo me or frighten me?

o   Almost2g2btrue69     -eww.

o   GuyFrom Texas     – wow.  Super creative.

o   SuperGreekGod     -Really?  Really…

o   FunWantsItAll69     -enough with the 69’s…we get it…you’re gross.

o   Nudedad713     -like…nude…ALL the time?  Or just when he’s in ‘dad’ mode?  I feel suddenly very uncomfortable

o   Mr. Wonderful     -Well, definite points for modesty…

o   LaDie$’ FaNta$y     -this has ‘pimp’ written AAAAaaaaall over it

o   PushMonkey     -is this some sexual term I don’t know?

o   urGyno     -guh-ross…..

o   BigBoi     -you misspelled boy – strike one.  Strike 2 – really?  Big ‘boi?’ – either makes you sound like a hick or overly confident about your “belt buckle”(yes, I’m making reference to an earlier photo – how cool is that?  This blog is self-referential.  Pretty soon we’ll need a cross-reference companion blog.  I digress).  Either way it’s a fail.

o   Bullets-n-beans     -great.  You’re a hillbilly AND you’re cheap.

o   LazyBoy    – How many times have I heard my single girlfriends complain that they just can’t find a lazy BOY out there?  Sigh…

o   NotTooBadMaybe    – way to set the bar nice and high.  I can’t WAIT to go out with this guy.

o   SpermWhale6969    – sigh.  Was I not clear about the 69 thing?  Sheesh!  What are we now, 12?  I’m picturing a date with this guy involving us making up dirty words with the upside-down calculator…

Alright, H-town… signing off for today.  Next installment:  Boys vs. Men.  Who’s excited??

Drama, Drama, Red Pajama

Quick disclaimer – this post took a major turn for the smooshy… so – it’s not as funny as some others, but I promise the next one will be full of spit-your-drink-out horrifyingly comical photos and online misfires.
End qualifier.

So, another thing men put on their profiles ALL THE TIME – is that they don’t want drama.
“Drama free,” they say.  Or, “I’m not looking for drama.”

Yes you are.  And yes you do.

I don’t think they’re saying what they really mean.  (Huge surprise there, am I right?)

I think what they MEAN is that they either:
a. don’t want to be stalked by a crazy woman, or
b. don’t want to deal with a woman who demands too much emotional energy from them.
(The first is legit, the second is lazy).
And seeing as I’m not crazy or lazy – or Patrick Swayze (sorry… but I couldn’t resist the rhyme…it’s my inner rapper… she is ALWAYS causing problems), I think I make the cut.

I maintain that everyone wants drama.  The good kind.  Hello…that’s why we put ourselves in the way of love, isn’t it?  We want sparks and fireworks and butterflies and ultimately – real love.  BIG love.  At least I do.

I suppose there are men out there who would be ok with a sort of mediocre companionship.  You know – someone to watch ‘your shows’ with and take turns with any of various household chores.  But, I’d venture that MOST of us want something more.  Most of us want to find someone who takes our breath away, makes us happy to begin another day because we’ll get to talk with/spend time with/smooch/snuggle with them.  Someone who – (hold on… I’m resisting quoting Jerry Maguire… ok…I think I’ve fended it off… for now) – desires you… WANTS you.  Maybe even needs you.  (no…chill.   – not in a codependent kind of way.  In that healthy – you bring out the best version of me – kind of way.  In that – ‘you’re good peeps’ kinda way.  And who doesn’t need that?)  Someone with whom you can be intimate.  And vulnerable.  Known and loved.

All of the best moments of my life have been full of drama.  Think about it!?  First kisses, best kisses, marriages, great sex, babies, getting amazing news, promotions, watching an amazing story unfold or maybe even just something as simple as getting ‘that look’ from someone… all drama.  Think about music.  We love it because it EVOKES something in us.. it wakes up a dramatic piece inside us that we long to feel.  The best moments are full of drama.

But, then, so are the worst.

So – I suppose this is why love is such an enormous risk… because if you REALLY put yourself in the way of drama…er…love, then you risk having your heart crushed.  And no one wants that drama.
But I dare say that those of us who have had our hearts torn into pieces the most severely…the most deeply – have also loved the hardest, and I for one – have not given up hope that there is still drama out there.   The good kind.

I guess what I’m saying is – I want the drama.  I don’t want so-so.  I don’t want to settle.  I want passion and fire.  And yes, I am well aware that after that first season of initial infatuation, that the fire dies down into the steady glowing embers of faithfulness and friendship.  But I love that too.  And I think that there is a certain dramatic poetry to that kind of relationship as well.  Knowing you’ve found someone who loves you enough to choose only you – that’s pretty dramatic.  Knowing you are understood, accepted and loved – that’s high drama.  And I love it.

So, if you’re with me, raise a glass to love and fireworks and butterflies in your tummy.  Bring the drama.  DEFNITELY don’t save it for your mama…

I’m just sayin’.

You’re NOT Perfect Just the Way You Are

I’d like to become a professional dating consultant.  No, not a matchmaker.  YOU find the girl, I’ll help you keep her.  Sort of like Hitch, but …white, and with more estrogen.

The thing is – I’ve been on enough bad dates or heard about them or have even witnessed them from a table over, that I feel the world is ready for me to make it better, one clueless guy at a time.  Think of it like a makeover, but more for your personality.  Hey, I’m not here to sugarcoat.  I’m like the SuperNanny of courtship.

My services would include, but not be limited to the following:

– helping you reassess your strategy in connecting with women.  If there are more people like me out there compelling the men of the world to make contact with women the way we dream of, then maybe we really WILL start seeing more of those RomCom encounters we want – preferably without the com.  For instance – if there’s a girl at a coffeeshop with no wedding ring and she looks over at you and makes eye contact, even if just for a second, that’s your invitation to go talk to her.  That’s it.  Simple, huh?

– Recording your date and, in my post-date consultation, doing a cooperative video analysis.  There will be a whiteboard, X’s and arrows, and …if you pay for the deluxe package, even an inspiring pep talk.

– For those in need of intensive help, I will even come along on your dates.  I’ll sit one table over (hey, I’m that girl anyway), eavesdrop, and use our own pre-coordinated complex taxonomy of visual cues and hand signals to help you navigate the tricky waters of women.

– In cases of extreme emergencies, I will step INTO the date and rescue the woman.  This may or may not involve me asking you to just go, but it will certainly include profuse apologizing, topic-changing and basically an entire structural reorg.  (That’s corporate talk for starting from scratch).

But, if you’re not ready to sign up yet, let me whet your appetite with some teasers of truth.  These are pearls, so – my publicist would kill me for just giving them away for free… but, what can I say?  I’m feeling generous today.

Things girls do NOT like:

– licking your lips or doing weird things with your tongue.  Gross.  Do you want to date me or eat me?  Please don’t answer.

– Talking about yourself the entire time.  And here’s the thing – this is true even IF you’re an interesting guy.  But, let’s be honest – most of the culprits of this crime are not.  Interesting.  So we’re left to our own internal devices to make the time pass.  My personal fantasy involves me scooping my eyes out with a melon-baller.
* In related news, if you hear yourself use the phrase, “to make a long story short,” the ship has already sailed.  Abort.  Abort!

– Too much cologne.  This is not an irreparable issue, but it’s not gonna help your game either.  Even if it smells good.  A little goes a long way.  When in doubt, err on the side of the woman not being able to smell the cologne at all than to smell too much.  A good rule of thumb should be – we should only be able to catch a whiff of it if we get very close (e.g. hugging, kissing, whispering in your ear, etc.)

– Speaking ill of others.  We don’t want to hear you talk about what a *&%# your ex-wife is, we don’t want to hear about the guy in your office that you can’t stand, and we don’t want you to bash another people group – unless it’s a group – of people – who are mean…then I guess you’d have a double negative on your hands, wouldn’t you?  I went on a date with a guy who said, “gay people are so GROSS.”  Yikes!  Just like that?  An entire population of people – summed up with such ignorance… good grief.  Such a turn-off.

– Chastising your date.  I had a guy tell me once – on a second date – that I really should relax my “rules” of not sleeping with a guy on the first couple of dates.  Oh really?  You think I should relax that rule, huh?  What a shocker!  And, no.
But, to be clear – now that you went all parental tone on me and let me know I’M the one who’s off for not wanting to sleep with someone I don’t love, I’m SO much MORE attracted to you!  (read the sarcasm)

– Checking other women out.  I am embarrassed for us as a society, that this still has to be spelled out.
Look, I know men are visual.  But, are they also completely unable of exercising self-discipline?  If you had any idea how it made your date feel to see you eyeing a pretty woman who walks by, I wonder if you’d think twice before the next time.

– Being late.  Check it: this is the first and simplest way you can show a woman you care about her – respect her time.  If you’re late, it tells her that you think she’s important enough for you to try.

– Laughing at everything we say – but not because it’s funny.  Because you’re trying to impress us.  I’ve had guys laugh even when I’m not saying something funny.  Now, granted, I’m hilarious.  So, it’s hard sometimes to tell when the wit stops and the “regular” stuff starts, but still.  When you’re doing that nervous giggling after every sentence I say, it makes me think you don’t have a backbone.

Things girls DO like:

– Winking.  Not in that cheesy “what would it take to put you in this car today?” kinda way, but a sweet or flirty wink… will send our hearts racing.

– Sensual touch.  Touching the arm or the knee while you’re laughing or talking, shows us that you like us and steps up the confidence a little so we can continue to feel free to be ourselves.  I mean, this is simple conditioning.  If the rat pushes the lever, it gets a fruit loop…and it’s gonna push the lever again.  Yes – in this scenario, women are rats.  In hindsight, I might have chosen a better metaphor, but here we are.

– Eye contact.  Again – not the creepy kind where too much of the whites of your eyes are showing and your chin is jutted out like a crazed psycho.  No – just maintaining enough that we know you’re interested.  Now, if you wanna take it to the next level (when the moment is right), brush our hair away from our face while looking at us…and we’ll be yours for life.

– Dressing well.  A double-breasted suit isn’t necessary, but just make it look like you care.  A shirt half tucked in, half out or a tee-shirt with bleach stains all over it don’t send the message that you’re particularly excited about meeting me.  A clean gig line is halfway to love, baby.

– Pay.  I know, I know…it’s archaic.  But, I’m sorry, it’s sexy.  This won’t apply to your entire courtship, obviously.  But that first date – if the guy pays, it sends a message about his character.  Now, listen, single women aren’t just trying to get free drinks/dinners, as much as whiny embittered guys would like you to believe.  Do you really think that we think it’s WORTH a free drink to put up with someone we have zero interest in?  No.  If we’re there, we WANT to be there.  You paying just shows that you think we’re WORTH buying a meal/drink/pony.  (just seeing if you’re paying attention).

– Fresh breath.  When a guy leans in to talk to me and I can smell minty deliciousness, he gets major points.

– Interest in our lives.  Ask questions!  (One of my services is providing lists of appropriate questions, based on prior level of contact, number of dates, etc.).  And for those of you advanced enough – ask questions within the questions (this is SO Inception-y).  In other words, if you ask her what church she goes to and she answers, don’t just move on – ask her why?  What is it about that church (fill in here – job, hobby, music, etc.) that she enjoys?  And with each answer, dig into the conversation more, until you feel like you’re really getting to KNOW her.   People yearn to be KNOWN.  This is one of the greatest gifts you can give.  Much better than buying an expensive dinner.

[Sidebar – as I sit and write this at a coffeeshop in Houston’s Heights, there are two people right across from me who met for coffee for the first time.  She’s talking, and he’s leaning in with a look of interest on his face, making eye contact and asking follow-up questions.  Beautiful.  I feel like a National Geo explorer who just discovered some amazing new bird…]

You could basically boil most of this down into this simple rule…and it’s pretty complex, so – concentrate…

TRY.

That’s it.  Effort.  Women love a man who gives THOUGHT to us.
Effort is as the root of romance <– not gonna lie, this is good stuff here…

So, if you’re interested in my services, let me know and we’ll see what sort of package suits your particular situation best.  And I am certainly NOT doing this to add another pool of single men into my sphere of contact.  Nope.  That would be selfish and opportunistic…

Winner Winner, Spangled Drongo Dinner

Ok, before I give you another installment of despair, let me elucidate a couple of things:

1.  I do not – I repeat, I do NOT go looking for strange profiles or photos.  All of the images I pass along to you are from men who have sent me a message or a “wink,” or have been suggested to me by the site.  I don’t go trolling for weirdos.  Take away?  I don’t NEED to.  There are THAT many out there.  Depressed yet?  No?  See pictures below.

2.  Some of you have asked, “Why are you ON these sites if they’re ALL losers?”  Let me clarify.  They’re not all losers!  I only write about the bad ones because it’s entertaining.  Der.  I have been on some bad dates.  Oh ho ho…I’ve been on some bad dates.  BUT, I’ve also been on some good ones.  And…I’ve even been on some REALLY good ones… ones that made me laugh, ones that spun me around an empty dance floor while a live band churned out some dirty blues, ones who were kind and complimentary and gentlemen, ones that took my breath away…  But.  What fun is THAT for a blog?  So..if you’re feeling sorry for me – don’t!  My pickiness will pay off one of these days – and in the meantime, those who don’t “make the cut,” will at least make you laugh.

With that said, let’s just dive right in.

Well, I’ll give him credit for putting his ‘weird’ RIGHT out there from the get-go.  I guess I just can’t get into the head of a guy who would think THIS was his selling “shot” for finding a woman.  Perhaps he’s not looking for just any old girl…he’s holding out for Jane Foster.  (Yes…I had to Google that).

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Honey…. first off… it’s “THE.”  Say it with me:  “the.”  Good.
Next… “get at you?”  Geez…

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Turns out coveralls and a ski cap don’t instill confidence in me about your methods for income.  Are you spraying mist and stealthily avoiding laser beams at the Faberge exhibit at HMNS?  Or worse,…you’re just a blue collar run-of-the-mill cat burglar?   I know…I’m such a snob.

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What I like about this guy already is that he beeps in contact.  That is SO space-age-futuristic.  Hot.  And seeing as I am ALSO aim adventurous to the bone – this could really work out…if it weren’t for all the mean feelings.  Sigh… back to the drawing board.

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2002?  That’s an entire DECADE ago.  I should put my pre-babies photos up there – before I’d been wizened by the world (code speak for growing gray hair and occasionally groaning as I get out of bed in the morning).  Seriously, guy?  This is SO two-thousand-and-late.

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Compressive, huh?  I REFUSE to let a man push me down.  Next.

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Bad lighting and bad beer.  Yup – that’s the perfect shot for your online profile.  It really sends a message to the womenfolk… lucky for him, I’ve just recently lowered my standards considerably, so – we’re gonna go out for a Bud Lite tomorrow.  (Gags)

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I am hot.  Thanks for asking.

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What, this old thing?  This is just what I use to smuggle families over the border.  No big thang.  I’m a giver.

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Sweetie, if you’re a patient, then time is most decidedly NOT on our side.

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He’s either fake-shooting me, or he just smelled something bad.

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Really?  ANYthing?  Because I have some yardwork that could really use a masculine touch…

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No, I did not crop this in.  THIS is the photo.  THIS is his profile picture.  His eye.
Now,…I’m no Doctor, but… it looks a little enflamed to me… that’s really the only problem here.

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He opens doors, chairs and flowers.  Don’t laugh – that is a sexy skill set.  I mean, there have just been so many moments where I needed my flowers opened up and had NO one to do it for me.  This is a real old-fashioned treat.

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It’s a subtle message, but…thankfully I’m a master reader of context clues, so I get it:  “I WILL kill you.  Maybe not on the first date, but… it’s coming.”

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Let me translate for those of you who don’t speak jive.  Black girls, he thinks of you like family, but he only dates white girls (or aliens…I can’t be sure).  But – no disrespect.
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This guy was committed to capturing the perfect shot – he didn’t even stop when a giant cockroach was crawling up his arm.  I mean, it’s not every day you can pose in your room at your mom’s house – her wallpaper, your sports illustrated poster in the back.  That’s fusion, baby.   Rrrrrr….

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So… yeah…

I clicked on this one as soon as I saw it – not only did I want to see the other shots this guy had, but I love bacon!  Who doesn’t?  Nope – this was it.  This is his best and only representation of himself.  Bacon.  Frying.  Yum?

 

Well – it’s no giant testicles, but hopefully this has offered some levity in your weekend nonetheless.

Rock ‘n Roll, Houston.

Ubiquity is Everywhere…

Look.  You are no different from anyone else when it comes to the basics of what you want in a partner.  Obviously everyone is unique and has certain idiosyncrasies that set them apart in what makes them choose one over another.  But, the basics…the standard fare – is always the same.  I mean, c’mon – no one says “I’m looking for a lazy, ugly, cheating, raging, cheap man who will give me no attention or affection.”  (But if you know this girl, give her a “bless your heart” hug as soon as possible.)

So, since we’ve established that we all want the normal baseline of decent human character, can we stop TALKING about it?  I am so sick of reading profile after profile that say the same stinkin’ thing.  They all want a woman who is sweet, but also speaks her mind; who is pretty with or without makeup; who enjoys her work, but isn’t consumed by it; on and on…. something, something…blah blah…I’m alseep.

Can we start an uprising?  A revolutionary new way of approaching this?  Hows about this:  don’t say dumb stuff that’s obvious.  Say something that sets you apart.  I’m telling you – the profiles that grab my attention and make me want to send the guy a message, are those that have a flash of wit or an interesting musing or even just a silly story.  In an effort to jump start this grassroots campaign for uniqueness, I’m offering up my services – that is, I’m going to tell you how to not screw it up.

First off…guys, why do so many of your profiles say that you want an HONEST woman?  Well, duh.  Do we have to SAY that?  All you’re doing is letting everyone know that you were cheated on.  Which is sad, but it’s not particularly relevant for searching for a woman online… I mean, let’s just think this through to the end – if I’m NOT an honest woman, then obviously I’m not going to tell you I’m dishonest…that would be honest…which I’m not.  So, I can CLEARLY not choose the wine in front of you!  (If you don’t get that reference, you should have your funny gland checked… no, seriously…I’m a little concerned…)

Next, a helpful list for quick reference when writing the “about me” section:

Things EVERYone loves, so you don’t need to verbalize it:

–       Long walks on the beach.  The beach is beautiful, day or night.  Walking hand in hand with someone you love is delightful.  Who wouldn’t like to put these two things together?

–       Have fun.  ….OOOOooh.  Ok. Gotcha.

–       Staying in and watching a movie, cuddling on the couch.  Men always list this right after they’ve used that whole line about wanting a woman who can put on her heels and go out on the town, AND be able to just throw her hair up in a ponytail and relax at home.  I think they must think that we need to hear them admit to being homebodies?  Everyone likes vegging out on the sofa.  Everyone likes having someone around to snuggle with.  Again…put these together and you have a universally acceptable partner activity.

–       Laugh.  Really?  You have to say this?  You have to specify that you enjoy that thing your body naturally does…when you’re experiencing enjoyment?  Is there such a thing as a person that doesn’t like to laugh?  I mean, barring all those people with cripplingly painful laughter muscle diseases… obvi.  But, are there women out there who hate it when they laugh?  Try picturing someone laughing and hating it at the same time…kinda funny, right?  Kinda makes you want to laugh, right?  I hate that.

–       Love.   So, wait… you love love?  AND you’re on an online dating site?  That is so. weird.

–       To enjoy life to the fullest.  This one really chaps my hide.  Why do they have to be so extreme?  I mean… I like to enjoy life as much as the next guy, but…. ‘to the fullest?’  I don’t know that I’m ready for that kind of commitment…

–       Simple Pleasures.  While I prefer to have to toil tirelessly for a small amount of happiness, I suppose I can get on board with some pleasure that comes easy… it’s asking a lot, but I’ll try to power through.

And, let me just admit that I’m guilty of this too.  I guess I feel like if I DON’T list the globally understood basic  decencies I want in a person, that I’ll be that lucky girl who ends up with some soul-less sociopath, rocking in a corner somewhere, muttering to myself, “I should’ve specified that I wanted a nice, honest guy….what have I done?”

But, perhaps ….just perhaps… one day, I’ll be bold enough to take my quasi-generic checklist down and put something like this up in its stead:

“Sassy, sometimes controlling, but always fun grammar nazi seeks a man who:

– prefers real Christmas trees over fakes ones.  I mean…eww.
– will kill spiders and all manner of bug or icky-like creatures that come into my path.
– will play the radio game with me, and never stoop to letting me win.
– won’t tease me about my spray butter problem, unless it’s that adorable flirty teasing thing.
– won’t judge me for watching trash TV…and maybe will even watch a few shows with me.
– is handsome enough that I can’t resist him, but not SO perfect that I feel insecure around him.  I don’t need abs of steel… abs of a good firm back-sleeper-pillow will do just fine.
– won’t roll his eyes at my habit of turning every phrase into a song.
– will let me convince him to abandon white flour.  It’s the wave of the food future, dude.  Just surrender now.
– will let me have 5/6ths of the bed and keep the ceiling fan off.
– will watch chick-flicks with me without rolling his eyes and saying words like “formulaic”
– doesn’t consider a matinee and dinner at Chili’s a “romantic evening”
– will offer to rub my shoulders without me having to ask, from time to time
– can cook.  Or at least will join me in a culinary adventure where I cook and he’s my hunky sous chef.  Oh my….
– drinks wine.
– owns clothes other than graphic tees
– will throw a party with me… bonus points for hosting or going to a costume party where he actually dresses up.
– loves Jesus…and actually GETS that we need him.”  (whoa…heavy…)

So – there you have it.  Men of Houston, form a line and let’s do this thing.  I’m accepting 7’s and higher tonight.

More winners…

There is some “mature audiences only” material in this post.
Not from me…but, hey – I call e’m like I see ’em.
And I see just. so. many. of. them.

As you’re scrolling through these, if you feel a tingly sensation, …that’s your soul dying.  Just soldier on.

I think I’m gonna just let this one speak for itself…

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Oh, honey….
a.  “convey.”  Convey is the word you’re looking for.
b.  So, your best suggestion for our first date is you being silent?  Sounds like a bad marriage…

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He really wanted to confer his punch-you-in-the-throat side.  What a sweetie…

Does this junk work for some women?  The ‘ol knuckle sandwich lure?  It’ll get ’em every time.  Into the ER, that is.

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I’m sorry – I’ve looked at it a few times, and EVERY time,
all I can see is a giant pair of testicles.

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I don’t know about you, but I am SO taking up “dance eating.”  Two things I love – all packed into one exciting activity?  That’s happening.

The sheer amount of make-fun-able material here is almost paralyzing…

ALMOST.

Beleave me, if it weren’t for my strong morial values, I would still be typing away at my computor making more jokes about this guy.  I mean.. there are alot.

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Really?  Is this what we’re doing now?
I feel dirty looking up at him from this angle… ick.
We get it…you have a HUGE “buckle”

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You should know a few things about this.  This is not his profile, it’s a personal message to me (but then, you knew that the moment you read that he’s the man my words discribe I seek).  He also has several photos on his profile – all of his oiled up overly muscled body with tiny underwear.  Hold on…. ok, sorry… I just threw up in my mouth a little.

And, yes, this is the end of the message.  “Now I have to figure.”  I can only assume he’s headed off to dive into some complex algebraic formulas.  But, I could be wrong, I mean… I bearly know him…

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Poor lighting – check
Standing far enough back so that I can’t see your face – check
Wearing your sunglasses inside to give off that super cool rocker vibe – check
Random bedding staged perfectly next to you as if to say – “look, all I have to do is scoop this up and I’m good to go for a sleepover!” – check
Hello Kitty throw pillow…. – priceless

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I really hope this works out because, just the other day I was thinking to myself – I’m a lady who wants to maintain my Luscious Lifestyle.
But the really neat part is …this guy sent me this same message with an extra bit tagged on three days later…. which leads me to believe he’s got this paragraph saved somewhere and cuts and pastes it into messages to different women on the site.  THIS one.  THIS message.  Sounds like a cross between an invitation for an interview and a job offer at a high end brothel.

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Really?  REALLY?  I mean… just…. I don’t….. wha….. is it…… um……..   there are no words.

Maybe he misunderstood the purpose of this site?  I’m at a loss…

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First off…. I hate when guys have these cheesy poster thingies as their profile picture.  C’mon…
Secondly… yes it IS about the kissing.  It is most decidedly all about the kissing.

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Nothing says “Oh, BABY” like a terrorist, a bounty of fruit and part of your finger.  At least that’s what my grandma always used to say.

Well, I must go.  But, if I’ve left you with lots of questions… about life, the universe, what does it all mean and where did all the cowboys Go-oh-oh… then I’ve done my job.